Hillary’s Tits at Odds over Campaign Strategy
May 14, 2008, 11:48
"C'mon, girls. Let's play nice in there."
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The mood swings and contradictory statements that have characterized Hillary Clinton’s campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination can be traced to the senator’s breasts, according to one insider.
“The senator’s boobs, hardly on speaking terms in the best of times, are quite cold to one another at present,” the insider reports. “Can you imagine what it must be like for them to spend all day stuffed into a bra—even the two hours when the senator sleeps. (That bra, speculation has it, is a Maidenfrost 34-C.)
Senator Clinton’s left breast, whose nickname is “Lily,” is described by the few who know her as a “nurturing, considerate soul,” always ready to lend or to receive a helping hand. Although she is said to be willing to cede the nomination to Senator Obama for the good of the Democratic party, she carries little weight with Senator Clinton at present.
The senator’s right breast, with which she is most in touch these days, is a self-described “shot-and-a-beer gal” who goes by the nickname “Bertha” and who advocates a win-at-any-cost strategy, “even if it means going nuclear on that nappy-headed half-breed.”
In happier times Senator Clinton was able to unbutton her pants suit jacket.
Confidants with a firsthand knowledge of Bertha blame her for Senator Clinton’s less attractive qualities, from her mendaciousness to her jackass laugh.
“She’s colder than a witch’s right teat if you know what I mean,” says Emily St. John, who was close to Senator Clinton when they were students at Wellesley.
“You’d never catch that gal riding the Fuck Truck to MIT or Harvard on weekends. She was either in the library or planning some kind of demonstration.”
One Hillary watcher says there is no end in sight to the cleavage between Lily and Bertha.
“It would take a village of lawyers to hammer out an accord between those two.”
In related news, Senator Barack Obama’s testicle declined to comment when asked about the rift between Senator Clinton’s hooters.
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