Bush Orders Retirement Savings Mattress for Every American
Sep 30, 2008, 15:02
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Reacting to the roiling economic crisis gripping the country, President Bush today signed an executive order providing one complimentary mattress to every American man, woman, and child.
The mattresses, the President explained, "are for stuffing all your hard-earned money under. If you're a child, I guess you can stuff your tooth-fairy money under yours, heh-heh."
White House Press Secretary Dana Perino told reporters that the mattresses donated to American families would "be of the best quality that China has to offer," and would "provide economic stability in these uncertain times."
Ms. Perino stressed that the mattresses were to be used only for money-stuffing purposes, and were not recommended for sitting upon or sleeping, due to their being a "slight fire hazard."
Instructions included with each free mattress also caution users to place the mattress in "an extremely well-ventilated area" due to formaldehyde levels "that could kill a goat at twenty paces."
Said Ms. Perino, "We have partnered with Staples to offer up to three fireproof envelopes for every American's Retirement Savings Mattress. Just save your receipts and fill out the twelve-page rebate form that comes with your envelopes. Then be sure to mail your rebate within four hours of purchase to the Department of Revenue, Attention 'President Bush Mattress Blowout to Save the Economy Fireproof Envelope Rebate Program #19384579-GX19-R37858695.' You should receive your rebate check no later than ninety days or thirty-six months from the postmarked date of your claim, whichever is later."
Ms. Perino noted that she had already stuffed all of her own government pension under a mattress "very similar to those that everyday Americans are getting completely free, a government handout with no strings attached."
However, reporters have learned that Ms. Perino's Retirement Savings Mattress is in fact a Sealy Posturepedic Ultra-Comfort Kingsize Pillowtop Deluxe.
"Well, close enough, you mean old poopy reporters," said Ms. Perino.
