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John McCain Vows to Pardon O.J. Simpson
Oct 7, 2008, 10:13
SEDONA, Arizona – Republican presidential nominee John McCain said yesterday that if he is elected, he will “reach across the aisle to my friends in the colored community” by pardoning O.J. Simpson.
Senator McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin, using her favorite pet name for the senator, immediately praised his decision: “That’s John-John, you betcha, kinda doin’ the mavericky thing that us mavericks are known for in making an impactul decisions. He deserves a special shout out for that. Props to ya, John-John.”
Mrs. Palin made her remarks in front of a Payless shoe store in Florida, where she was shopping for her trademark FMPs (Fuck Me Pumps).
Mr. Simpson, 61, is currently awaiting sentencing after being convicted of twelve felony counts of kidnapping and armed robbery. The charges stemmed from the role he played in assembling a team of five men last year and storming a room at the Palace Station hotel-casino in Las Vegas.
The Simpson Five then “retrieved” various items of Simpson sports memorabilia—including game balls, plaques, and photos—from two startled collectors, whom Mr. Simpson accused of having stolen the items from him.
In announcing his intention to pardon Mr. Simpson, Senator McCain observed, “Barack Obama’s the one who ought to be in jail for consorting with terrorists and trying to steal my election.”
The Obama campaign, which almost seems to know what Senator McCain is going to do before he does it, immediately released an attack ad charging that Senator McCain also planned to pardon President Bush, Vice president Cheney, and the Keating Five.”
“This smells of desperation, distraction, and deceit,” said an Obama campaign operative. “Everyone knows that McCain’s favorables are lower than Bill O’Reilly’s in the African American community.”
In related news, O.J. Simpson reacted with befuddlement when he was informed by his lawyers of Senator McCain’s announcement.
“What the hell’s he pardoning me for?” asked The Juice. “I didn’t steal nothing from him.”
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
