Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
John McCain Vows to Pardon O.J. Simpson
Oct 7, 2008, 10:13
SEDONA, Arizona – Republican presidential nominee John McCain said yesterday that if he is elected, he will “reach across the aisle to my friends in the colored community” by pardoning O.J. Simpson.
Senator McCain’s running mate, Sarah Palin, using her favorite pet name for the senator, immediately praised his decision: “That’s John-John, you betcha, kinda doin’ the mavericky thing that us mavericks are known for in making an impactul decisions. He deserves a special shout out for that. Props to ya, John-John.”
Mrs. Palin made her remarks in front of a Payless shoe store in Florida, where she was shopping for her trademark FMPs (Fuck Me Pumps).
Mr. Simpson, 61, is currently awaiting sentencing after being convicted of twelve felony counts of kidnapping and armed robbery. The charges stemmed from the role he played in assembling a team of five men last year and storming a room at the Palace Station hotel-casino in Las Vegas.
The Simpson Five then “retrieved” various items of Simpson sports memorabilia—including game balls, plaques, and photos—from two startled collectors, whom Mr. Simpson accused of having stolen the items from him.
In announcing his intention to pardon Mr. Simpson, Senator McCain observed, “Barack Obama’s the one who ought to be in jail for consorting with terrorists and trying to steal my election.”
The Obama campaign, which almost seems to know what Senator McCain is going to do before he does it, immediately released an attack ad charging that Senator McCain also planned to pardon President Bush, Vice president Cheney, and the Keating Five.”
“This smells of desperation, distraction, and deceit,” said an Obama campaign operative. “Everyone knows that McCain’s favorables are lower than Bill O’Reilly’s in the African American community.”
In related news, O.J. Simpson reacted with befuddlement when he was informed by his lawyers of Senator McCain’s announcement.
“What the hell’s he pardoning me for?” asked The Juice. “I didn’t steal nothing from him.”
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
