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John McCain Dumps Sarah Palin for Her Pregnant Daughter, Bristol
Oct 15, 2008, 11:16
Bristol Palin with her first baby, Trigger.
WASILLA, Ak. -- In a last-ditch effort to appeal to the coveted base of evangelical voters, the McCain campaign has replaced vice-presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, with her daughter and pregnant teen, Bristol.
"We realized that Bristol could easily surpass any appeal Sarah Palin had with the evangelical sector," reported McCain's chief campaign advisor and strategist, Steve Schmidt.
"We regret making such a dramatic change at this juncture, but frankly, Bristol's attributes far exceed her mother's—and we can't afford not to capitalize on that."
Focus on the Family President, James Dobson, was elated at the change in line-up.
"Originally, we were thrilled that McCain had chosen a hockey-mom who had decided to continue her pregnancy upon learning that her baby, Trig, had Down syndrome. However, many more of our constituents can relate to an unwed, pregnant teen like Bristol than they can with her mother," said Dobson. "Especially those who are advocates of abstinence-only education.
"The fact that Bristol and her fiance, Levi Johnston, won't be completing high school makes it very easy for most evangelical households to identify with them," Dobson added.
Schmidt continued to extol the attributes of the new running mate.
"Additionally, Bristol has quite a bit more knowledge about her Russian neighbors than her mother," he said, citing a two-page book report Bristol had completed during the 8th grade, titled "The Chukchi People of the Russian Penninsilla [sic]."
"Obviously, her knowledge of international affairs far exceeds her mother's."
Pat Robertson of the Christian Broadcast Network was equally pleased with McCain's choice.
"What this country needs is the fine example of a young lady like Bristol who has obviously chosen life and will soon be partaking in the marriage of one man and one woman."
Robertson added, "Additionally, Levi will be a fine model of athleticism and manhood for our nation's young men to admire and emulate."
In keeping with the theme of children's names the Palins have chosen, the young couple reportedly plans to name their baby either "Algebra" or "Burlap."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
