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John McCain Dumps Sarah Palin for Her Pregnant Daughter, Bristol
Oct 15, 2008, 11:16
Bristol Palin with her first baby, Trigger.
WASILLA, Ak. -- In a last-ditch effort to appeal to the coveted base of evangelical voters, the McCain campaign has replaced vice-presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, with her daughter and pregnant teen, Bristol.
“We realized that Bristol could easily surpass any appeal Sarah Palin had with the evangelical sector,” reported McCain’s chief campaign advisor and strategist, Steve Schmidt.
“We regret making such a dramatic change at this juncture, but frankly, Bristol’s attributes far exceed her mother’s—and we can’t afford not to capitalize on that.”
Focus on the Family President, James Dobson, was elated at the change in line-up.
“Originally, we were thrilled that McCain had chosen a hockey-mom who had decided to continue her pregnancy upon learning that her baby, Trig, had Down syndrome. However, many more of our constituents can relate to an unwed, pregnant teen like Bristol than they can with her mother,” said Dobson. "Especially those who are advocates of abstinence-only education.
“The fact that Bristol and her fiancé, Levi Johnston, won’t be completing high school makes it very easy for most evangelical households to identify with them," Dobson added.
Schmidt continued to extol the attributes of the new running mate.
“Additionally, Bristol has quite a bit more knowledge about her Russian neighbors than her mother,” he said, citing a two-page book report Bristol had completed during the 8th grade, titled The Chukchi People of the Russian Penninsilla [sic].”
“Obviously, her knowledge of international affairs far exceeds her mother’s.”
Pat Robertson of the Christian Broadcast Network was equally pleased with McCain’s choice.
“What this country needs is the fine example of a young lady like Bristol who has obviously chosen life and will soon be partaking in the marriage of one man and one woman.”
Robertson added, “Additionally, Levi will be a fine model of athleticism and manhood for our nation’s young men to admire and emulate.”
In keeping with the theme of children’s names the Palins have chosen, the young couple reportedly plans to name their baby either “Algebra” or “Burlap.”
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
