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You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Cover of the book Postcards from the Pug Bus.The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
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Meet Joe the Plumber
Oct 16, 2008, 08:22
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Basement by Sears
TOLEDO, Ohio - Someone named Joe the Plumber was mentioned nearly two dozen times in last night's third and final presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain.

While senators McCain and Obama argued over whose economic plan would do the most for Joe the Plumber, viewers at home were asking one another, "Who the hell is Joe the Plumber?"

Postcards from the Pug Bus has discovered that Joe the Plumber is far from the working class martyr he pretends to be. Indeed, if the following American Express ad in the December issue of PILD (Plumbers I'd Love to Date) magazine is any indication, Joe the Plumber is actually quite flush.

Joe the Plumber: My Life, My Card

My name—Joe McCain (legally changed to "Wurzelbacher" for promotional purposes).

Favorite movie—Mr. Clean Does Dallas.

Retreat—my Xbox 360, my basement sofa, and a six-pack of Bud.

Indulgence—human growth hormone.

Favorite music—classic rock, Toby Keith, anything but rap.

Biggest challenge—learning to spell "Wurzelbacher."

Secret vice—taking a dump in my clients' toilets, urinating out of doors.

Wildest dream—doing Sarah Palin on a snowmobile.

Fondest memory—the day a customer first suggested that I "take it out in trade."

Childhood ambition—to brew my own beer.

Perfect day—any day I'm not called out to unplug somebody's crap-filled toilet at 3:00 a.m.

Proudest moment—saying that Barack Hussein Obama tap danced around questions like he was Sammy Davis Jr.

Pet peeve—women who try to flush sanitary napkins down the toilet.

My future is—gonna see more ass than a toilet seat.

My card is—American Express with overflow protection.

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Joe Paterno image

Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.