Twilight Leaves Undead Unhappy with Stereotypes
Nov 27, 2008, 10:45
TOMB, Penna. - Jack Ripley, chairman of the National Organization of the Undead (NOU), announced at a press conference that his organization is filing suit against the producers of Twilight for what he called "flagrant misrepresentation of the Undead as tortured, obsessed losers who go around sucking blood all the dead-long day."
Reading from a prepared statement, Mr. Ripley said, “Although we do require the blood of the living to function, it is absurd to portray the Undead as somehow unnatural or animalistic. You need air, we need blood—can't we all just get along?"
Mr. Ripley said the NOU also objected to the stereotypical portrayal of the Undead in Twilight as "permanently pale in complexion and cold to the touch. Obviously we're not going to be as warm and rosy cheeked as the living, but you should see and feel us after a fresh pint."
Twilight filmmaker Catherine Hardwicke has confirmed receipt of NOU's charter, which includes a list of "surprising things you didn't know about the Undead.
"I have to admit that I don't think I knew a single surprising thing about the undead," Ms. Hardwicke confessed before mentioning just a few:
Many of us attend religious services, even though we can't go to Hell. We like grapes. Despite our reputation, we are often the "life" of the party. During election season, we are also the Unregistered.
Mr. Ripley noted that the NOU's lawsuit only seeks to ensure that the Undead "are not discriminated against when applying for 30,000-year mortgages or employment at the neighborhood blood bank.
"In the end," he explained, "we all pull in our pints one fang at a time."
