Blagojevich's Hair Inspires New Vetting Rules
Dec 19, 2008, 10:23
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The corruption scandal surrounding Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich, has had an impact on the political process already: the rules for vetting candidates vying for political positions will soon be updated to include consideration of a candidate's hair. Some say the change is long overdue.
Julian Perkins, head of the National Vetting Association and winner of the NVA’s best hair award three years running, told reporters yesterday, "I knew all along this guy was trouble. What man in his right mind would walk out of the house looking like Jack Lord from Hawaii 5-0 on a bad day? I mean, it's 2008, people."
Mr. Perkins distributed a draft copy of the new rules regarding bad-hair vetting procedures. The top five rules are:
1. Vetters must review photos of political exemplars of bad hair to ensure that any similarity to the current candidate's hair is not overlooked. As if that were possible.
2. Bad-hair political exemplars initially shall consist of:
James Traficant, representing wigs placed on head like hat; John Edwards, representing pretty hair on men, a corollary to bad hair; Blago (our newest member), representing puffy, creepy hair; Eliot Spitzer, representing slimy partial hair; Ted Kennedy, representing Kennedy hair on behalf of all naughty Kennedys past and future.
3. No one may be appointed to the vetting committee sporting bad hair. He or she, however, may serve as an honorary member of the bad-hair exemplars for a term of not more than three years, or upon completion of an improved haircut, whichever comes first.
4. If any vetter suspects that a candidate is just having a good hair day, the candidate may be asked to return for a second hair review, for which no shampooing may transpire in preparation.
5. Vetters may not coach the candidate with hair-grooming tips during breaks, or make surreptitious hair-adjustment motions while in vetting is in session.
Mr. Perkins told reporters that the new hair-vetting procedures "will provide a strong foundation toward ensuring that Americans are no longer subjected to bad hair, and its almost inevitable companion, sleazy politics.
"Watergate never would've gotten off the ground," he added, if a vetting committee had existed in the ‘70s to reject Nixon and his "greasy slick of a mane.
"Remember," Mr. Perkins concluded, "greasy equals slippery, and the rest is history."
