You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Nation's Largest Sperm Banks Seek Bailout
Mar 18, 2009, 09:14
Several Bono babies were returned because they were light sensitive.
LOS ANGELES - AIG (Alternative Insemination Group) and Semen Brothers, the nation's two largest sperm banks, say they cannot come close to meeting financial obligations without a sizable infusion of money from Washington.
"We've been hit with such a huge number of loan defaults that our cash flow is shooting blanks," said AIG comptroller, Wesley Gash.
Sperm banks always had been slow-but-steady, pay-as-you-go performers in financial markets, but Bush-era deregulation of the sperm-banking industry led to free-wheeling loan practices, which, ultimately, led to defaults.
"The chickens produced during the go-go breeding frenzy that characterized the early '00s have come home to roost," said newly appointed acting sperm czar, C. Everett Koop.
Following sperm bank deregulation, AIG and Semen Brothers began to offer subprime loans to persons who might not otherwise have qualified for financing. This represented a sea change in the sperm banking industry, which never had offered loans in the past.
Predictably there was a run on sperm banks, fueled in the main by lower-income couples who wanted celebrities such as Bono and Vincent Gallo to father their children. These designer children were seen as highly salable assets whose value would more than cover the balloon payments on the sperm bank loans, which kick in on a child's third birthday.
Three quarts of Vincent Gallo sperm destroyed after surpassing its sell-by date.
Unfortunately the bottom dropped out of the designer-children market when the global economy went in the crapper last year. Couples stuck with kids they could not sell--and whom they could not afford to feed any longer--began leaving those children outside orphanages. In one well-publicized case Mr. Gash found a two-year-old boy in a large pet carrier on the doorstep of AIG.
"Cute little kid," smiled Mr. Gash. "The spittin' image of Bono."
In addition to the resale problems bought about by the worldwide depression, certain genetic flaws hurt the sales of designer kids.
"I understand the Bono babies wouldn't stop talking about themselves," said Mr. Gash. "The Vincent Gallo babies were impossible to toilet train, and those Bill Clinton kids, Babies by Bubba, wanted to nurse from any woman they saw."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
