Nation’s Largest Sperm Banks Seek Bailout
Mar 18, 2009, 09:14
Several Bono babies were returned because they were light sensitive.
LOS ANGELES – AIG (Alternative Insemination Group) and Semen Brothers, the nation’s two largest sperm banks, say they cannot come close to meeting financial obligations without a sizable “money shot” from Washington.
“We’ve been hit with such a huge number of loan defaults that our cash flow is shooting blanks,” said AIG comptroller, Wesley Gash.
Sperm banks always had been slow-but-steady, pay-as-you-go performers in financial markets, but Bush-era deregulation of the sperm-banking industry led to free-wheeling loan practices, which, ultimately, led to defaults.
“The chickens produced during the go-go breeding frenzy that characterized the early ‘00s have come home to roost,” said newly appointed acting sperm czar, C. Everett Koop.
Following sperm bank deregulation, AIG and Semen Brothers began to offer subprime loans to persons who might not otherwise have qualified for financing. This represented a sea change in the sperm banking industry, which never had offered loans in the past.
Predictably there was a run on sperm banks, fueled in the main by lower-income couples who wanted celebrities such as Bono and Vincent Gallo to father their children. These designer children were seen as highly salable assets whose value would more than cover the balloon payments on the sperm bank loans, which kick in on a child’s third birthday.
Three quarts of Vincent Gallo sperm destroyed after surpassing its sell-by date.
Unfortunately the bottom dropped out of the designer-children market when the global economy went in the crapper last year. Couples stuck with kids they could not sell—and whom they could not afford to feed any longer—began leaving those children outside orphanages. In one well-publicized case Mr. Gash found a two-year-old boy in a large pet carrier on the doorstep of AIG.
“Cute little kid,” smiled Mr. Gash. “The spittin’ image of Bono.”
In addition to the resale problems bought about by the worldwide depression, certain genetic flaws hurt the sales of designer kids.
“I understand the Bono babies wouldn‘t stop talking about themselves,” said Mr. Gash. “The Vincent Gallo babies were impossible to toilet train, and those Bill Clinton kids, Babies by Bubba, wanted to nurse from any woman they saw.”
