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God Installs Caller ID and Automated Phone Menu
Dec 1, 2009, 06:57
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Because of the overwhelming number of prayers received during the recent election, football, and Christmas seasons, God (a/k/a the Supreme Being, Yaweh, Allah, ABBA, and the Big Fella) has installed caller ID and an automated phone menu to handle all future prayers.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a high-ranking member of the heavenly host reported that God was "madder than hell" about the increased number of prayers he has been receiving from "God botherers" of late.
"Like God really has time to decide whom he wants to win the Super Bowl," the official snorted.
Consequently, God will no longer answer prayers directly, an activity that he engaged in "much less frequently than people reported anyway," the official said.
All prayers will now be "answered" by an automated voice machine that will announce, "Thank you for calling the Heavenly Hotline. Because your call is important to us, we have installed the following menu to help facilitate your request. For your protection your call may be monitored. Please listen carefully before making your selection.
"To listen to the menu in Spanish, press 1. In case of genuine emergencies such as fires, catastrophic illnesses, and 'acts of God,' press 2. For divine assistance in locating lost car keys, press 3. For intervention with Microsoft products, including Windows 7, press 4. To request supernatural help for a football team, press our special Hut-1 number."
When asked why God wanted caller ID in addition to the automated answering system, the official replied that God was concerned about stalkers who pray excessively.
"He's gosh darn close, pardon my French, to instituting the kind of policy enforced by many sports talk radio stations, which limit individuals to one call per week and one on weekends," the official revealed.
Several other insiders, who also would not speak for attribution, blamed Americans for God's tough love policy. Their claim is supported by a Washington Post study, which revealed that 36 percent of Americans pray several times a day, 22 percent pray once a day, and 16 percent pray several times a week. What's more, no American politician speaking to a group larger than one would think of closing his or her remarks without saying, "God bless America."
Europeans, on the other hand, pray far less frequently and attend religious services, a known source of prayer, far less often than Americans do. Half of all Americans attend church every week while less than 10 percent of the populations of the Netherlands, Great Britain, Germany, Sweden, and Denmark attend religious services even once a month.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
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