Spring equinox with its balanced periods of darkness and light is a perilous time for the Ram, who prefers to mood-swing from yin to yang, Bartles to Jaymes, and feit to counterfeit. So if there's too much Joel Gray in your astral brew, reinforce with infusions of Camille Paglia; too much Wayne Newton, unleaven with tincture of Al Gore.
God Installs Caller ID and Automated Phone Menu
Dec 1, 2009, 06:57
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Because of the overwhelming number of prayers received during the recent election, football, and Christmas seasons, God (a/k/a the Supreme Being, Yaweh, Allah, ABBA, and the Big Fella) has installed caller ID and an automated phone menu to handle all future prayers.
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a high-ranking member of the heavenly host reported that God was "madder than hell" about the increased number of prayers he has been receiving from "God botherers" of late.
"Like God really has time to decide whom he wants to win the Super Bowl," the official snorted.
Consequently, God will no longer answer prayers directly, an activity that he engaged in "much less frequently than people reported anyway," the official said.
All prayers will now be "answered" by an automated voice machine that will announce, "Thank you for calling the Heavenly Hotline. Because your call is important to us, we have installed the following menu to help facilitate your request. For your protection your call may be monitored. Please listen carefully before making your selection.
"To listen to the menu in Spanish, press 1. In case of genuine emergencies such as fires, catastrophic illnesses, and 'acts of God,' press 2. For divine assistance in locating lost car keys, press 3. For intervention with Microsoft products, including Windows 7, press 4. To request supernatural help for a football team, press our special Hut-1 number."
When asked why God wanted caller ID in addition to the automated answering system, the official replied that God was concerned about stalkers who pray excessively.
"He's gosh darn close, pardon my French, to instituting the kind of policy enforced by many sports talk radio stations, which limit individuals to one call per week and one on weekends," the official revealed.
Several other insiders, who also would not speak for attribution, blamed Americans for God's tough love policy. Their claim is supported by a Washington Post study, which revealed that 36 percent of Americans pray several times a day, 22 percent pray once a day, and 16 percent pray several times a week. What's more, no American politician speaking to a group larger than one would think of closing his or her remarks without saying, "God bless America."
Europeans, on the other hand, pray far less frequently and attend religious services, a known source of prayer, far less often than Americans do. Half of all Americans attend church every week while less than 10 percent of the populations of the Netherlands, Great Britain, Germany, Sweden, and Denmark attend religious services even once a month.
Spring equinox with its balanced periods of darkness and light is a perilous time for the Ram, who prefers to mood-swing from yin to yang, Bartles to Jaymes, and feit to counterfeit. So if there's too much Joel Gray in your astral brew, reinforce with infusions of Camille Paglia; too much Wayne Newton, unleaven with tincture of Al Gore.
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