You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
NuvaRing Launches New Marketing Campaign
Dec 18, 2009, 12:48
I'm supposed to put this thing where?
WHITEHOUSE STATION, N.J.- NuvaRing, the world's largest round contraceptive device, has seen its image go pear shaped owing to a dungstorm of lawsuits filed on behalf of persons who have died or who have otherwise been discommoded while using NuvaRing. Consequently Merck pharmaceutical company is launching Let Freedom Ring, an ad campaign designed to "square the circle with NuvaRing," said Jeanne Larouche, a Merck official.
NuvaRing—which was released in 2001 by Organon, which was later acquired by Schering-Plough, which is about to merge with Merck—is a flexible, plastic ring that contains a four-week supply of hormones guaranteed to prevent pregnancy. It is inserted into the vagina, where it nestles against the cervix. After remaining there for three weeks, NuvaRing is removed and a normal period results.
That sounds like a plan, but thanks to some truly reptilian side effects attributed to NuvaRing, that plan has turned into a lawyer's wet dream. More than two hundred lawsuits have been filed against Organon/Schering-Plough in the United States alone. Those suits blame NuvaRing for a rash of outcomes from fatal blood clots to bleeding hemorrhoids to a purple, floodlike menstrual discharge to a nasty odor that can be detected at distances up to five feet.
"I suffered severe emotional distress when I began using NuvaRing," said Christine Thomas, a claims adjuster for Progressive Insurance. "Every time I have company someone is bound to ask if I have gotten a cat recently."
According to Merck's Larouche, such complaints amount to "splitting hairs" when compared to NuvaRing's considerable benefits.
"First of all, NuvaRing does not have to be inserted and/or removed by a trained medical professional," said Ms. Larouche. "Most women elect to insert NuvaRings themselves, but NuvaRings also can be installed for a nominal fee at ear-piercing boutiques, nail salons, and selected Starbucks."
Ms. Larouche revealed that the Let Freedom Ring campaign will be rolled out January 4 when T-Mobile releases a NuvaRingtone of 50 Cent's "Baby by Me."
"We picked that song because we want to make contraception fun again," said Ms. Larouche, "and this is only the beginning. We plan to have NuvaRing tosses and other contests at all the big summer musical festivals, starting with Bonnaroo. We're also going to be a major sponsor of the new Lilith Fair tour."
After noting that she was wearing a NuvaRing "as we speak," Ms. Larouche said that "a high-end jewelry company" will soon be offering NuvaRing mood rings that change colors according to a woman's reaction to a man. She also expects NuvaRing hoola hoops to be on the market by springtime. Even Mattel is getting into the act, including mini NuvaRings with its 2010 anatomically correct Barbie doll line.
"The squeaky ring gets the grease," laughed Ms. Larouche, "and we're telling women it's time to grease up."
In related news, Merck announced plans to donate a million NuvaRings to Third World countries. "We're especially targeting those countries where guano packed into the vagina is still the primary means of birth control," said Ms. Larouche.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
