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The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
God Slaps NFL Players with Dire Warning
Dec 22, 2009, 10:35
"Do you think this mustache makes me look like a dweeb?"
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HEAVEN - God issued a dire warning yesterday to football players who point to the sky after making a play. In an e-mail sent to sports desks around the country the supreme referee declared: "I will not be mocked by these strutting, vainglorious popinjays who imply that their success is down to the fact that they're on a first-name basis with me. If you want to know the truth, I still need a scorecard to tell the players apart."
Declaring that "this pointing situation is getting out of hand," god observed, "It used to be that players pointed north after scoring a touchdown or kicking a field goal, but some gee-golly types are even pointing toward the sky after making a first down."
God allowed that he was aware of the idea that "these jocks" are trying to redirect all glory to him rather than themselves, "but really," he asked, "after creating the Grand Canyon, how much more glory do I need?
"How is my glory going to be increased in any meaningful way by David Akers' kicking a 42-yard-field goal for the Eagles? Do you know how many forty-two-yard field goals it would take to fill the Grand Canyon. Gimme a break, for Christ's sake."
And all this time we thought it was Campbell's soup that kept Donovan going.
God explained that he had singled out NFL players for censure because basketball players—apart from the ones who pray before shooting free throws—don't make a big deal out of public displays of thanksgiving. As for baseball, "Frankly, I don't know what goes on there," god admitted, "because I don't watch baseball that much."
God closed by saying that he was prepared to make public the church attendance records of persons who continue to "name check me" despite this warning.
Niles Dickinson, president of the recently formed Committee for the Separation of Church and Sports, hailed God's warning as "a step in the right direction, but what we really need is for the NFL rules committee to call pointing to the sky for what it is—taunting and excessive celebration."
In related news, God concluded his warning about overly demonstrative athletes with the following observation: "I've received all the Chris Henry prayers I care to receive. I had my reasons for not saving Chris Henry."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
