You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Chris Brown Bobblehead Doll Attacks Paris Hilton Doll
Feb 15, 2009, 15:29
LOS ANGELES - Police announced yesterday that they were seeking a Chris Brown bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with an alleged attack on a Paris Hilton bobblehead doll that occurred in a closet in the Acme Doll Company.
"It's too early to say if the Chris Brown doll is a suspect in this case," said Los Angeles chief of police, Dean Crenshaw. "We just want to ask him a few questions based on allegations made by the Paris Hilton doll."
The Hilton doll made the allegations during a final product check at Acme after Wilfred Brimley, head of quality control, had noticed that her hair was disheveled, her neck was bruised, and her wonky eye was black.
"At first I thought one of those undocumented aliens we hired last month was smoking weed on the job again," said Mr. Brimley. "Then I seen the Paris Hilton doll had been crying."
According to a police report, the Hilton doll told Mr. Brimley she had been attacked by the Chris Brown doll after she had tried to comfort him following recent allegations that he had attacked the Rihanna doll last weekend. They had just sneaked into an empty storage closet at Acme when the Chris Brown doll locked the door and said, "You owe me big time."
"I was like, 'Owe you what?'" said the Hilton doll. "Like it's my fault your bitch saw that text I sent you?"
At that, said the Hilton doll, the Chris Brown doll became enraged.
"He grabbed me by the neck and started screaming. He was like, 'You ruined my career, you skank-ass bitch. I'm gonna (mess) you up big time.'"
The other dolls' reactions to the Hilton doll's charges were split along gender lines.
"So he wanted a little. What's the big deal about that"? asked the Arnold Schwarzenegger doll, bobbing his head sarcastically. "She was probably asking for it anyway."
The Sarah Palin doll, her head bobbing in anger like a pit bull's, bristled at the Schwarzenegger doll's comment.
"That's just like a man," said the Palin doll. "If you say 'thank you' when a man opens a door for you, he thinks you're asking for it. When I'm president, which that stupid-sounding Arnold never will be, I'll make sexual harrassment a capital crime, you betcha."
The Katharine Hepburn doll, bobbing from head to foot, appeared to agree.
The allegations against the Chris Brown doll may cost him a lucrative endorsement contract with Domino's Pizza. The fast-food chain had planned to feature the Chris Brown doll as part of its Respect Our Women promotion in the Greater Los Angeles Area next month. Guiseppe Domino, director of public relations for Domino's Pizza, said those plans were now "screwed like a stray dog in Chinatown."
Next Oprah: Studies Reveal That Dolls Have Feelings Too
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
