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NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms
Jan 3, 2010, 09:08
NEW YORK, N.Y. - The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room a few days before Christmas.
According to a team official, Gilbert Arenas, the Wizards leading scorer, and Javaris Crittenton, a back-up guard, strapped up after they had argued about a gambling debt following practice.
"You punk ass wanksta, you owe me ten benjamins," yelled Mr. Crittenton, waving a Bersa Thunder 9 Ultra Compact. "I smoked your sorry ass in H-O-R-S-E, and you know it."
"What tha dilly yo?" shouted Mr. Arenas, brandishing a Glock 26 Sebastian Telfair Signature model. "I schooled you, sucka. You don't stop frontin', Ima bust a cap in your gay ass."
Although the locker room was crowded, no team member was able to recall what happened next--or what had happened before. Even Mr. Arenas, when asked if anything had transpired between him and Mr. Crittenton, replied, "I don't know."
Thus the NBA decided to act unilaterally to prevent future armed confrontations.
"We are aware that players and referees like to gamble," said Tim Frank, the NBA's vice president for basketball communications, "and we also know that three out of four NBA players are armed on any given day. That's why we have ordered sixty-six full-body scanners of the sort already being deployed in some airports."
Mr. Frank said the league expects to "field test" the new scanners at the league's all-star game, Sunday February 14 at the Dallas Cowboys New Stadium in Arlington, Texas.
"Everybody's packin' for the all-star game," said Mr. Frank. "You wouldn't believe the firepower. Makes Delonte West look like he was traveling light when he got busted with that Uzi last summer."
For their part, several NBA players have expressed reservations about the scanners.
"The things can see right through your clothes and make you look naked," said Philadelphia 76ers center Samuel Dalembert. "That's an invasion of my first amendment rights."
In related news, Wizards officials said there is no truth to stories that the team is considering changing its name back to the Washington Bullets.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
