You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Singles Kicked Off BeautifulPeople.com Launch PrettyFaces.com
Jan 7, 2010, 10:55
SWF, straight, non-smoker, 5'3" 119lbs.
BOSTON, Mass. - Singles kicked off the elite dating site BeautifulPeople.com, the self-proclaimed "sexiest website in the world today," are not taking their dismissal lying down. Many of the 5,000 people who were ruled off the site for porking up over the holidays are launching a new dating site called PrettyFaces.com.
"I was like, 'Wow,' when I got expelled from BeautifulPeople.com," said glamrgurl245 (not her real name). "I mean, like, I might have put on two or three pounds over the holidays, but what's the big deal? It's not like I went from a size 0 to a size 2 or something."
After Facebooking with several other "fatties" who had been off-loaded from BeautifulPeople.com, Ms. Gurl decided to launch PrettyFaces.com. The name, she said, is ironic.
"You know how people are always saying stuff like 'such a pretty face' when they see somebody fat like Jessica Simpson or Miley Cyrus? That's where I got the idea for PrettyFaces.com.
The BeautifulPeople.com purge occurred after a number of members had complained that other members had let down the side by gaining weight over the holidays. This led site founder, Robert Hintze, to do some housecleaning.
"Letting fatties roam the site like a herd of wildebeests is a direct threat to our business model and to the very concept on which BeautifulPeople.com was founded," Mr. Hintze declared.
Although PrettyFaces.com will have a "more inclusive, user-friendly" admission policy than BeautifulPeople.com, the site will still be "selective," said Ms. Gurl.
"We're not, like, going to let everybody in, even size 10s. If we start doing that, we're, like, just another eHarmony"
In related news, according to a spokesperson for BeautifulPeople.com, the majority of people banned for being overweight park their salt licks in the United States, (1,520), the U.K. (832), and Canada (533).
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
