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You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Cover of the book Postcards from the Pug Bus.The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
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Dick Cheney Blasts Americans for Letting Terrorists Win
Jan 10, 2010, 11:46
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Every time he inhales, the terrorists win.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Vice President Dick Cheney blamed Americans yesterday for "being in bed with" terrorists. "The people of this nation are as much to blame as their pusillanimous, light-skinned president for delivering the head of democracy to the terrorists on a silver platter," said Mr. Cheney when he appeared before the steering committee of the American Tea Party.

Calling Americans "a nation of sniveling weasels," the vice president rattled off a list of "corrosive behaviors of which all Americans are guilty at one time or another." According to Mr. Cheney, the terrorists win every time if we park illegally in a handicapped zone, especially when it's raining; if we download pirated music or movies; if we don't pay our library fines; if we smoke marijuana or say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."

Terrorists also cop the cherry if we cheat on our income taxes; if we don't scoop up after our dogs; if we subscribe to magazines like The Progressive or Newsweek; if we buy knock-off watches and leatherware; legalize same-sex marriage or stop at a foreign-owned Dunkin' Donuts.

We assume the position for terrorists' if we don't use four-digit extensions on ZIP codes; if we eliminate red meat from our diets; if we lie about our ages; encrypt data files on our computers; abandon water boarding; provide fair trials for terror suspects or "bend over frontward" to appease the United Nations.

Although Mr. Cheney's remarks elicited bloodthirsty laughter from his audience, he drew his most fevered response when he bit the head off a rubber Obama doll and urinated down its neck.

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.