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Van Morrison Files for Intellectual Bankruptcy
Jan 11, 2010, 10:00
DUBLIN - Irish singer and curmudgeon Van Morrison has filed for intellectual bankruptcy, according to a notice published on his official website—The Gospel According to St. Van.
The famously gruff singer-songwriter informed his fans that he hasn't had a worthwhile musical idea since 1972 and that he's tired of recycling the same three riffs, though he seemed at a loss to explain why he had been in a thirty-eight-year slump.
"As God is my judge," wrote Mr.Morrison, 64, "I have no idea how things came to such a sorry pass."
According to friends of the reclusive singer, part of Mr. Morrison's problem is his raging paranoia.
"Van's spent so much time trying to protect what's his that he's taken himself prisoner and built a moat around his life," said one acquaintance, who asked not to be identified for fear of retribution.
"I'll tell you how bad that guy is," said Jerry Lee Lewis, whose sister Linda Gail once sued Mr. Morrison for sexual harassment and wrongful termination. "He don't even know the woman who runs fourteen of his companies and manages his tours. How [messed] up is that?"
Mr. Lewis was referring to Texas-born Gigi Lee, 42, who does indeed command fourteen of Mr. Morrision's companies and who is reputed to have given birth to the singer's latest son—George Ivan Morrison XVI.
When Mr. Morrison was informed via his website that Ms. Lee, who also manages the website, had presented him with a son, he flashed his trademark scowl and muttered, "Never met the slattern."
When he was shown a photo, published recently in London's Daily Mail, of him and Ms. Lee backstage at a concert in California, Mr. Morrison mumbled, "Oh, that Gigi Lee. Stupid slattern. Only mer her once."
In addition to having denied that he ever knew Ms. Lee, Mr. Morrison also denied knowing that he had a website until two weeks ago. He further denied through a statement issued by his publicist, whom Mr. Morrison claims never to have met, that he (Mr. Morrison) is a legal resident of Ireland; that he was ever in a band called THEM; that he wears a hat all the time because he has a rare skin cancer; and that he had ever listened to Rod Stewart's version of "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You."
In related news, Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood, who is credited with throwing the party where Van Morrison and Gigi Lee met in 1998, has issued a statement saying, "1998? I can't say that I remember 1998. That was, like, fifteen years ago."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
