Mark McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge

Home Ass Hat Awards Celebrities Fashion Lifestyle Music News Politics Religion Sports Technology Our Staff Contact

Your Almost Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)

You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.

More Horoscopes

The Grammar Prick

Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.

Visit The Grammar Prick

Postcards the Book

Cover of the book Postcards from the Pug Bus.

The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:

1 2

Free the Music

Strike a blow for freedom.
Download music today.
You can't beat the price.
Get the skinny at Zeropaid.

Sites for Sore Eyes
High Times
Mental Floss
Pirate Bay
Soulseek
Vaults of Erowid
WiTopia

Mark McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge
Jan 12, 2010, 10:57

Mark McGwire before prayer.

NEW YORK - During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept him off the field repeatedly in the early 1990s.

"I was a walking MASH unit," he said.

According to Mr. McGwire, "Now that I have become the hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals, I have the chance to do something I wish I was able to do five years ago—the chance to talk about my life with Jesus. I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It's time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected: Mark McGwire has been a born-again Christian for a long time."

Mr. McGwire said he had hoped to come clean when he testified before a congressional committee five years ago, "but they never asked me about Jesus. All they wanted to talk about was steroids, and I don't know anything about steroids—except that they mimic the growth effect that can be achieved legally through prayer.

"I don't regret praying," Mr. McGwire continued, "I just wish I had played during an era when prayer was more acceptable—when you didn't have to hide your religion for fear of being called a fag or something. Today's players cross themselves openly when the come up to the plate; and they frequently point to heaven after they club one out the park. If only people had had the nerve to do that when I was playing."

Mark McGwire after prayer.

Mr. McGwire admitted that he "started using prayer" more than twenty years ago.

"I remember using prayer briefly in the 1989-1990 off season; then after I was injured in 1993, I used prayer again. I used it more frequently during the '90s, including the 1998 season, when I was praying nearly every day and hitting seventy home runs.

"I'm sure people will wonder if I could have hit all those home runs had I never started praying, but that misses the point. I don't pray for home runs now. I pray that I'll make it into Cooperstown one day. I don't want that honor for myself, but for Jesus, who grants all wishes through prayer."

Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.

top-of-page link top of page teensy, tiny image of stamped envelope e-mail this article teensy, tiny image of printer printer friendly page

© The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously.

Follow the Pug Bus
or it will follow you home.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.