You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
SpaghettiOs Creator, Donald Goerke, Chokes to Death, Uh-Oh
Jan 14, 2010, 16:07
CAMDEN, N.J. - Donald Goerke, the man who put the "Oh" in SpaghettiOs, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of SpaghettiOs and chocolate milk. He was eighty-three.
Mr. Goerke joined the Campbell organization in 1955 as a market analyst. The venerable soupmaking firm had been resting on its ladles since developing a technique for removing the water and the flavor from real soup several decades before, but change was on the menu.
"We became flavor conscious for a time," said Campbell spokesperson Muffy Dorrance.
"Don was promoted to marketing research director of our Franco-American line and was given the task of creating foods that at least children would enjoy eating."
Mr. Goerke and his crew set to work conjuring up pasta shapes that would appeal to kids. After rejecting numerous shapes—including the letter "N" because it looked like a swastika when it got wet, and the letter I, which swelled up like an eager penis—Mr. Goerke settled on the 0 shape. The result was introduced on May 16, 1965.
SpaghettiOs were an immediate success with kids, college students, and bums, as homeless people were called then. The jaunty little 0s in the vivid orange sauce eventually achieved iconic status when SpaghettiOs wrestling became popular on the singles-bar circuit.
Mr. Goerke retired from Campbell in 1990 after devoting thirty-five years to the company.
"Given the tragic circumstances of Don's death, we don't know how to proceed with any tributes to him," said Ms. Dorrance. "We still have several cans from the first production run for SpaghettiOs, maybe we'll open one or two of them and spoon them down in his memory."
In related news, the Food Network says it still plans to use SpaghettiOs as the secret ingredient in a future Iron Chef competition.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
