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Pat Robertson Egged On by Anderson Cooper's Haitian "Miracle"
Jan 27, 2010, 12:09
PORT AU PRINCE - Much to the horror of television evangelist Pat Robertson, the overwhelming majority of monetary donations to Haiti's earthquake victims has been sent by gay men from across the U.S. and Canada—a trend that has Red Cross officials completely baffled, and Robertson seeing red.
The good reverend came under fire recently for claiming that the devastating earthquake was God's retribution for Haiti's "pact with the devil" more two hundred years ago, a statement that brought down a plague of locusts from both the right and left of the political spectrum.
"At first, I thought [the gay community's donations] might be a knee-jerk reaction to Mr. Robertson's idiotic statement," said Red Cross president & CEO, Gail McGovern, citing the sale of a Pat Robertson voodoo doll to someone named "Butt Boy" on eBay that brought in more than $1,000 for Haitian relief.
"Somehow there's got to be more to it than that," McGovern thought.
While waiting for a departing flight from Chicago's O'Hare International, she noticed that members of Chicago's gay hockey team, the Puck-Buddies, were glued to CNN's coverage of the events in Haiti.
"At first I couldn't figure out why these men weren't watching ESPN's Sports Center," said McGovern. "Then Anderson Cooper strode by in a skin-tight Gap T-shirt. It was obvious that Cooper's been working out quite a bit lately, and his muscle-bound physique had the Puck-Buddies' skating on thin ice."
When Cooper asked the viewing audience to make a donation to the Haitian relief fund by texting 90999, every member of the Puck-Buddies whipped out his iPhone and began thumbing away feverishly.
"Millions of dollars have been pouring in every day," said McGovern, "and the majority of donations have been received whenever Anderson Cooper has been reporting from Haiti. Frankly, Pat Robertson couldn't have ended up with more egg on his face if he had passed out into a Denny's omelette."
Robertson and his staff at The 700 Club refused "to dignify" the recent turn of events by commenting on them.
"I can't thank the gay community enough," reported McGovern. "Due to their diligence, along with Mr. Cooper's appeal, the situation in Haiti is finally turning around. It's truly a miracle."
In related news, the FOX Network deployed Sean Hannity to Port Au Prince with little more than several tank-tops and a half-dozen Speedos.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
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