You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Wikipedia Reporting that J.D. Salinger Faked His Death
Jan 29, 2010, 08:10
"I 25; that's eye, two, five, goddamnit.
Iconic author J.D. Salinger is alive and well and resting comfortably on a cruise ship in the Caribbean, according to an Associated Press report. Mr. Salinger, 91, is thought to have returned to his first love, the sea, because he increasingly felt that "a land-based existence was an invasion of his privacy."
This story was confirmed by Wikipedia, which Mr. Salinger had come to regard as his bible during his latter years.
"It is well known that in February 1941, at the age of twenty-two, Jerry worked as the cruise-activities director aboard the MS Kungsholm, operated by the Swedish American Line," wrote Wikipedia. "He called a mean game of bingo, amusing tourists with comments on the 'phoniness' of certain numbers and chuckling 'goddamn great' whenever anyone had bingo—and there are still a few people in assisted living today who recall his goofy shuffleboard contests."
Wikipedia maintains that Mr. Salinger "desperately wanted a career" as a cruise director, but cruises were "basically a gentile thing" in those days, and he knew he'd never make any real money calling bingo games. Therefore, he reluctantly took up a career in writing because that was something he'd "always have to fall back on."
While allowing that Mr. Salinger's writing career was "a good one by any measure," Wikipedia suggests that his limited output was a consequence of his "constant longing for the Art Deco smoking room aboard the MS Kungsholm."
"He didn't have writer's block, he had seaman's envy," Wikipedia declared.
Although we respect Mr. Salinger's epic quest for privacy, he may not find the freedom that he treasures on a cruise. Already there are reports from celebrity gossip sites that Mr. Salinger has been spotted slouched in a seat in the movie theater on a Royal Caribbean International tub bound for Jamaica.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
