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You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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Cover of the book Postcards from the Pug Bus.The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
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Food Network Announces Iron Chef Cannibalism Series
Jan 31, 2010, 17:17
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NEW YORK - Despite the success of the The Next Iron Chef last year, the Food Network is in danger of being pushed to near-campy irrelevance—the worst kind of irrelevance there is— by the Travel Channel's No Reservations, Bizarre Foods, and Man v. Food.

Who wants to see a pair of culinary school divas fussing about in an $8-million kitchen, sweating to create the best dishes using a secret ingredient such as tilapia, when they can watch Bizarre Foods Andrew Zimmern chomping down on a freshly harvested bull testicle in a field in Argentina? Or Adam Richman gnawing his way through a five-pound cheesesteak in thirty-eight minutes at Tony Luke's in Philadelphia?

Bizarre Foods Andrew Zimmern is a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict. Anthony Bourdain, star of No Reservations, has no reservations about mentioning his own heroin addiction, nor is he shy about seeding his conversations with references to his love of ganja. Now that's a secret ingredient. The Iron Chef chefs, apart from the effervescent Mario Batali, look as if the strongest drug they do is an occasional second glass of white wine.

"Back in the day The Iron Chef was one of the edgiest cooking shows on television," said Alton Brown, the show's play-by-play announcer, "and we think we've found the recipe for regaining that edge."

Mr. Brown, a born-again Christian, was quick to point out that the secret human ingredients in the Iron Chef Cannibalism series will be obtained from organ doners.

"The new show will carry a prominent disclaimer," laughed Brown. "No human animals were harmed in the making of this episode."

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.