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Angelina Jolie Taking Toll on Brad Pitt
Feb 3, 2010, 09:49
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LOS ANGELES - Brad Pitt's friends are worried that his relationship with Angelina Jolie is taking a fearsome toll on the once boyishly handsome actor. They claim that Mr. Pitt, who looked forty-one going on twenty-nine when he left Jennifer Aniston five years ago, now looks every minute of his forty-six years and then some.

"Five years with Angelina must be the equivalent of fifteen human years at least," said Jodie Foster, who saw Mr. Pitt and Ms. Jolie at the Directors Guild of America Awards on Saturday.

The couple, who hadn't been seen together in public for some time, attended the awards in order to scuttle rumors of their impending break up. They refused to pose for photographs together, so their fans have once again resorted to studying chicken entrails for clues to the couple's relationship status.

Ms. Foster, meanwhile, said she was "shocked to see Brad's crows feet and creeping jowliness, but even more shocking was the listless expression about his eyes. He looked as if someone had sucked the life right out of him."

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Voted the sexiest man alive by People magazine in 1995 and 2000, Mr. Pitt appeared to be one of those fortunate types who never age, but he's beginning to look as if there's a picture in his attic that's escaped and is threatening to turn his face into a relief map of the world.

Given the way Mr. Pitt allows himself to be yanked from one depressing foreign country to another by Ms. Jolie, that's not surprising. She even dragged him off to live in New Orleans, the closest thing the United States has to a depressing foreign country.

"The boy looks like he could use a good home-cooked meal and a bed of his own without six kids in it," said George Clooney.

"With each new Ocean's sequel he needs more time in make up to achieve that roguishly handsome look. By the time we get to Ocean's 16 he'll have so much make up on he won't be able to hold his head up."

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.