Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
Toyota Recalling 250,000 Owners in the United States
Feb 5, 2010, 10:16
NEW YORK - Concerned about the increasing rate of "irresponsible, negligent, and thoughtless behavior" exhibited by too many drivers, Toyota announced today that it is recalling 250,000 U.S. owners of RAV4, Corolla, Matrix, Avalon, Camry, Highlander, and Tundra models.
"We have notified these persons by registered mail," said Dennis E. Hamlin, vice president and general counsel at Toyota North America. "They will have five working days from the receipt of that notice to get their affairs in order. Of course, they are forbidden to operate any Toyota motor vehicles during that time."
According to Mr. Hamlin, Toyota was been swamped with complaints about drivers turning left from right-hand lanes, taking up handicapped spaces in parking lots, using their high beams to blind other drivers, and crushing companion animals because the drivers, who were talking on cell phones at the time, didn't see them.
"That kind of ignorance is unacceptable," he said. "Defective owners are a danger not only to themselves but also to Toyota's image."
Recalled drivers will be transported at Toyota's expense to several decommissioned military bases around the United States. There they will receive two weeks of intensive courteous-driver training. All training and housing will be provided by Toyota. Recalled owners will be permitted conjugal visits during the weekend, but these must be paid for by the owners or their families.
At the end of the training period, owners will be road tested. Those who fail will have their vehicles impounded by Toyota, which will retain those vehicles until their owners can pass a make-up courteous-driver test, paid for and arranged by the drivers.
Some drivers say they will trade in their vehicles rather than participate in the recall.
"If we have to go to driving school because somebody's cat got squished, then the terrorists win," said Marc Delacroix, an unemployed dry wall installer who drives a Toyota Highlander.
"That's fine with us," said Mr. Hamlin. "Saves us money, actually. Besides, their names will go on a list that will be distributed to the FBI, and if they ever want to own another Toyota vehicle again, they're still going to have to pass a courteous-driver test."
In related news, Toyota announced that it was not recalling 200,000 Sequoias with defective cruise control mechanisms that could cause the vehicles to explode without warning.
"Our cost-benefit department says it would be cheaper to pay for a couple dozen funerals than it would be to recall the vehicles," said Charles B. Hatosy, chief communications officer at Toyota North America. "You have to take the entire dashboard out to fix one of those suckers."
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
