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Danica Patrick Wins at Daytona
Feb 7, 2010, 11:38
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Danny relaxing on the beach before her Daytona victory.
DAYTONA BEACH, Fla. - Danica Patrick, racing's most successful female driver, made history again yesterday by capturing another best-opposite-sex trophy, this time at the Daytona International Speedway. Ms. Patrick, whom many people know only as a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model, finished sixth overall at the Lucas Oil Slick Mist 200 Daytona race.

So great was her margin of victory that when she crossed the finish line, there wasn't another female driver in sight.

After the race a humble Ms. Patrick was quick to give credit to her role model, professional golfer Michelle Wie, for "blazing a trail for women athletes everywhere."

Then she continued, "Gee golly. This was more fun than a pillow fight. I got bumped from the side; I got bumped from the front; but getting bumped from behind was the best. I wasn't wearing any underwear."

Her victory at Daytona adds another notch to Ms. Patrick's fashionable Gucci racing belt. In the last year alone she has been best-opposite-sex driver at both the Indianapolis 500 and the Bombardier Learjet 550, as well as other races too numerous to mention.

As might be expected, Ms. Patrick's success has not gone uncriticized by those who wish she would confine her sports activities to posing for Sports Illustrated and Playboy.

"She's so hot," says actress, model, and singer Paris Hilton. "Girlfriend ought to get out of those hot and messy cars that make your mascara run and give you a lethal wedgie."

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.