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The Real Reason Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend Split
Feb 11, 2010, 09:46
"I never will marry, I'll be no man's wife."
LOS ANGELES - Nearly four years ago Charlize Theron told members of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) that she would not get married until gay marriage is legal in the United States.
Ms. Theron made that pledge after GLAAD had presented her with the Manguard award, a prestigious, yet lighthearted, honor given to an individual "who treads the most novel path toward promoting visibility and understanding in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community."
"I feel so fortunate to be in a relationship with a wonderful man," said Ms. Theron, "not that there's anything wrong with other kinds of relationships—with humans, animals, or even inanimate objects.
"Yet I find it incredibly unfair that because of my sexual preference I have rights that you all don't. Therefore, I will not get married until gay marriage is legally recognized in the United States, even though I plan to continue registering as a heterosexual."
Ms. Theron, 34, has kept her pledge for nearly four years, an eternity in Hollywood years; but her loyalty may have blown a hole in her long-term relationship with Irish actor and director Stuart Townsend, 37. According to close friends of the couple, Mr. Townsend had begun to complain about Ms. Theron's no-marriage proclamation.
Mr. Townsend, who attended the Gaiety School of Acting in Dublin, reportedly, isn't as pro-gay as Ms. Theron, who vowed in 2002 to abstain from sodomy until it was legal in every state of the Union.
"If you ask me that again, Stuart, I'm going to scream."
"Stuart was one happy leprechaun when that Supreme Court case [Lawrence v. Texas, 2003] made sodomy laws unconstitutional," laughed actor Colin Farrell..
The truce between Mr. Townsend and Ms. Theron cracked like a cheap piñata during their recent Christmas trip to Mexico. After the couple had returned, Ms. Theron told close friends that she had bid Mr. Townsend adios because "we felt more like brother and sister than lovers, and I will not have an incestuous relationship until incest is legal everywhere."
Mr. Farrell begged to differ.
"Stuart finally realized that Charlize was using the GLAAD pledge as an excuse not to marry him. She had to know that homosexual marriage is never going to be legal in the United States, and when she turned down his suggestion that they get married in a state where homosexual marriages are legal, he could see the handwriting on the wall."
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
