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Michelle Obama Taps Barbie Doll for Anti-Obesity Campaign
Feb 12, 2010, 11:09
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Barbie doll turns fifty-one today, and First Lady Michelle Obama noted the occasion by announcing that Barbie would serve as the official spokesperson for the White House's anti-childhood-obesity campaign.
"If America's young people looked more like Barbie and Ken, and less like Jack and Kelly Osbourne," said the first lady, "this country could get its butt in gear again."
The first lady, who is known for her candor as well as her fabulous guns, has admitted that when she was a working mother, she relied on SpaghettiOs®, Papa John's pizza, and Little Debbie® Boston Creme Rolls to feed her daughters, Sasha and Malia.
"They really got chubby as a result, so I bought them each a race-appropriate Barbie doll and told them to shape up."
Ignoring hateful glares from her now-slim daughters, the first lady distributed press packets that contained the following Barbie quiz.
1. What was Barbie's first career?
a) baby sitter,
b) professional escort,
c) secretary,
d) teenage fashion model
2. How many Barbie years equal one human year?
a) 1.5,
b) 2.0,
c) 3.5,
d) six Euros
3. How old was Barbie (in Barbie years) when she went to college?
a) five,
b) fourteen,
c) seventeen,
d) she couldn't get into college
4. Barbie doll's first pet was . . .
a) a dog named Lassie,
b) a boy named Sue,
c) a horse named Dancer,
d) a cat named Hercules
5 The original Barbie was born without a . . .
a) conscience,
b) belly button,
c) vagina,
d) clue
6. Barbie's creator, Ruth Handler, also patented a prosthetic . . .
a) breast,
b) leg,
c) penis (for Ken),
d) lip
7. Quinceanera Teresa doll, the Mexican Barbie, was released in 1994 to celebrate . . .
a) Cinco de mayo,
b) NAFTA,
c) the end of Lent,
d) girls day
8. If you placed all the Barbies and all their family members sold since 1959 head to toe, they would . . .
a) perform a series of indecent acts,
b) start fighting,
c) circle the earth more than seven times,
d) burst into flames
9. Which of the following is not one of Barbie's sisters?
a) Skipper,
b) Tutti,
c) Stacie,
d) LaToya
10. Barbie has been criticized frequently for her big . . .
a) hair,
b) breasts,
c) wardrobe,
d) entourage
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
