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Patrick Kennedy Retires to Spend More Time on Facebook
Feb 13, 2010, 10:38
PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Patrick Joseph Kennedy II, who has represented Rhode Island's 1st congressional district since 1995, announced earlier this week that he would not seek reelection. Mr. Kennedy, 42, has wrestled with alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and drug abuse, both recreational and prescription, since his student days at Rhode Island Community College.
As some of the most forward-looking politicians have begun doing recently, Mr. Kennedy used the bully pulpit of his Facebook page to inform his supporters that the "overwhelming demands" of his office prevented him from "fully promoting" his family's political legacy.
"I need to spend more time promoting my family's legacy instead of trying to contribute to it," wrote Mr. Kennedy. "I mean, my father was a senator; my Uncle Bobby was a senator and the attorney general; my Uncle Jack was the freakin' president. How am I supposed to top that by representing a crummy little district in the smallest state the union? Even if I managed to get assassinated, the murder of a member of the house is small potatoes compared to the murders of a president and a presidential contender."
Although Mr. Kennedy was fuzzy regarding his immediate plans, he was clear about the role that Facebook would play in realizing them.
"Facebook is the wave of the political future," wrote Mr. Kennedy. "This is where policy will be set and battles lost and won. I hope to be in the vanguard of that movement."
In related news, conservative Rhode Island Bishop Thomas Tobin said that Patrick Kennedy's decision not to seek reelection "would have no bearing" on the bishop's ban against Mr. Kennedy receiving communion or—in the event that he was assassinated—extreme unction.
"He still owes me two thousand Our Fathers, one thousand Hail Marys, and fifteen Acts of Contrition for his pro-choice comments," said the bishop. "All the Facebook malarky in the world isn't going to change that."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
