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Kevin Smith Put on No-Fly List for Posing a Threat to Gravity
Feb 15, 2010, 10:36
"Excuse me, are these seats taken?"
SCHAUMBURG, Ill. - Director Kevin Smith, who was asked to decamp from a Southwest Airlines Oakland-to-Burbank flight recently because he could not fit into one seat, has been added to The American Society for the Conservation of Gravity's (ASCG) no-fly list.
The obscure but influential watchdog group issued the following statement from its one-story headquarters in Schaumburg, Illinois, yesterday:
"Flagrant consumers of gravity such as Mr. Smith—no matter how many seats they purchase or occupy on a flight—are a clear and present danger to this country's dwindling gravity supply, especially if they are allowed to move about the cabin. Therefore, we have placed Mr. Smith on our no-fly list and respectfully suggest that he take the bus next time."
Kevin Smith, 39, is not the first celebrity to be grounded by ASCG. A source close to the group told Postcards from the Pug Bus that Kirstie Alley, Aretha Franklin, Andy Reid, Rex Ryan, and the entire Kardashian family are also categorized as frequent nonflyers.
ASCG, which gained noteriety last year with its campaign against vertical food presentation, was founded in March 1980 by Darwin Crum, who was the first person to warn Americans about the gravity-wasting effects of elevators, yo-yos, pop-up toasters, and women who do not wear bras.
The group's website, which does not use Flash technology because of the strain it puts on gravity, is located at www.conservegravity.org.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
