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Kevin Smith Made to Purchase Two Seats at Sushi Bar
Feb 17, 2010, 09:08
"Where the hell did I leave that salt lick?"
LOS ANGELES - The next time Kevin Smith visits If It Smells Like Fish, his favorite sushi bar in L.A., he will have to purchase two seats. According to a source close to Mr. Smith—or as close to him as one can get—Benny Hanna, manager of the popular eatery, informed the mountainous director of the decision by e-mail yesterday.
"At first Kevin was like, 'yeah, whatever,'" said the source, "but after he had finished an afternoon snack of two Papa John Big Boom pizzas with five toppings and extra cheese, he started to get pissed. I haven't seen him this mad since the time he couldn't fit through the revolving doors at La Fin du Monde last year."
If It Smells Like Fish isn't the first business to require Mr. Smith to purchase a special double-occupancy ticket. Last weekend a Southwest airlines pilot had Mr. Smith removed from an Oakland to Burbank flight when a tire on Mr. Smith's side of the plane went flat after the director had eased himself into a seat.
Mr. Smith reacted by playing the orca card, telling his Twitter followers that he was being persecuted for being fat, but there's no telling what he might do this time.
"Kevin's out getting a new salt lick," said a friend who answered the phone at Mr. Smith's double wide trailer on the set of his latest movie, The Bigger Lebowski.
Although Mr. Smith was asked not to fly Southwest for "public safety reasons," If It Smells Like Fish's corporate decision that he purchase two seats was feuled by more economic concerns.
"Kevin eat so much sushi during happy hour that we not have enough for other customers, so we have to charge him two seats," said Mr. Hanna. "He wipe out entire school of fish all by himself."
In related news, Kevin Smith heavily denied that his current "weight issue" had been staged to coincide with the release of Cop Out, his latest directing effort. He made the same denial after he had sat on and crushed an expensive Italian marble toilet in his hotel suite while he was promoting Zack and Miri Make A Porno in Huntsville, Alabama.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
