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Ben Roethlisberger Fondles the Snapper
Mar 6, 2010, 12:14
MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. - A twenty-year-old college student has accused Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her at a nightclub early Friday morning. The student, whose name is being withheld by authorities, alleges that Mr. Roethlisberger placed his hands between her legs and bumped them against her suggestively several times.
The alleged assault took place in Capital City, a night club popular with students who attend Georgia College & State University in Milledgeville. Mr. Roethlisberger owns a house on a lake about thirty miles north of town.
According to the alleged victim, she and Mr. Roethlisberger had been drinking O-Bombs, a mixture of Red Bull and flavored rum, for several hours when the two-time-Super Bowl-winning quarterback suddenly grabbed her, forced her to bend forward, then crouched behind her and touched her inappropriately. The woman contacted a nearby police officer following the alleged assault. She was interviewed then taken to a hospital, where she was treated and released.
Deputy Police Chief Richard Malone told reporters that Mr. Roethlisberger and his attorney were cooperating with investigators. The player was not in custody and has not been charged with a crime, but the allegations could be troublesome for Mr. Roethlisberger, who is already being sued by a Reno woman who claims he raped her in 2008 at a Lake Tahoe hotel while barking "hut, hut, hut." He denies those allegations and has asked for counter-damages.
Mr. Roethlisberger's agent, Ryan Tollner, issued a statement late yesterday in which he claimed that his client still suffers from blackouts as a result of a 2006 motorcycle crash in which he broke his jaw and several other facial bones. He was not wearing a helmet at the time.
"At some point last night the accuser leaned forward to tie her shoe, and Ben thought she was Justin Hartwig, the Pittsburgh Steelers center. That's when he lined up behind her and simulated the way he initiates the snap from center. When the woman screamed and pitched forward onto her face, Ben dove on her to cover the football. Simple as that."
Several patrons who were in the club at the time wondered what Mr. Roethlisberger, who will be thirty in two years, was doing in a hangout for college students.
Harris Brandon, 21, a typography major at Georgia College & State University, said, "It looked kind of creepy to see an older guy in a Steelers jersey hitting on college students. Couldn't he find any women his own age to molest?"
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
