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Vatican Chorister Fingered in Gay Sex Scandal
Mar 8, 2010, 16:36
VATICAN CITY - The Vatican remained tight-lipped today following reports that a chorister was fired for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting.
That gentleman, Angelo Balducci, was heard on a police wiretap negotiating with Thomas Chinedu Ehiem, a twenty-nine-year-old Vatican chorister, over the physical details of men he wanted brought to him.
"I'ma no want-a, how you say, uomo con il piccolo pene," laughed Senor Balducci, "No votive candles, capiche? I'ma like-a candles with a beeg-a long-a wick."
Ironically Senor Balducci's taste in men was discovered during a lengthy investigation into corruption regarding public works contracts, which he is suspected of steering to his friends. Wiretaps conducted during that investigation revealed that contracts weren't the only things Senor Balducci was steering.
In one recorded conversation, the Nigerian-born Ehiem suggests that Senor Balducci meet someone named Mandingo, whom Mr. Ehiem describes as "a melanzana, two metres (6'6") tall, 97 kilos (214 lbs.), aged thirty-three, completely active, can play pitcher or catcher." (Melanzana is the Italian word for "eggplant.")
In an interview that will be published tomorrow by the news magazine Panorama, Mr. Ehiem said he had been introduced to Senor Balducci more than ten years ago. After a brief but tempestuous relationship, said Mr. Ehiem, "He asked me if I could procure other men for him. He told me he was married and that I had to do it in great secrecy."
The police wiretaps imply that during a five-month period in 2008, Mr. Ehiem procured at least ten "dates" for Senor Balducci, including "two black Cuban lads," a former male model from Naples, and a rugby player from Rome.
Since 1995, Senor Balducci has been a member of one of the world's most exclusive fraternities—the Gentlemen of His Holiness, or Papal Gentlemen, the ceremonial ushers of the papal household.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
