You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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E-Trade Sues Lindsay Lohan for Damages
Mar 11, 2010, 07:13
NEW YORK - E-Trade has filed a countersuit against Lindsay Lohan, seeking $100 million in damages for what it calls "malicious and damaging association." The suit, filed yesterday in a Manhattan court, charges that the former actress and singer did irreversable damage to E-Trade's reputation by claiming that the "milkaholic" baby named Lindsay in a recent E-Trade commercial is based on Ms. Lohan.
"Lindsay Lohan's suit against E-Trade is beyond frivolous," said E-Trade spokesperson Gail Cunningham. "It is a cynical attempt to revive her career by maligning our reputation. What makes her think any legitimate company would reference a celebrity known more for public drunkeness and widespread drug abuse than for her lamentable 'acting'? We don't need that toxic asset on our books."
The E-Trade ad, which is alleged to have sent Ms. Lohan, 23, crying to her mother, features a baby girl who is upset because her boyfriend did not call the previous night. The boy apologizes, saying he was busy on E-Trade, diversifying his portfolio like a wolf. He then howls, which appears to send his little girlfriend into a swoon. Nevertheless, she asks, "And that milkaholic Lindsay wasn't over?"
"Lindsay?" the boy asks, attempting to look innocent; but he is so busted when another baby girl pokes her head into the frame and asks, "Milk-a-what?"
After she had stopped crying, Ms. Lohan filed a lawsuit in Nassau County Supreme Court in New York, claiming that E-Trade had violated her rights by using her "name and characterization" in business without paying her or obtaining her approval. Ms. Lohan's lawyer, Stephanie Ovadia, contends that it doesn't matter that the commercial doesn't mention Ms. Lohan's surname (note to Lindsay Lohan fans: a surname is a person's last name).
"Do you know the name Oprah? Do you know the name Madonna?" said Ms. Ovadia. "Same thing. Why didn't they use the name Susan?"
Because they didn't want to offend Susan Sarandon?
A spokesperson for Grey Group, which produced the "milkaholic" commercial, explained the choice of the name Lindsay.
"We just used a popular baby name that happened to be the name of someone on the account team."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
