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UConn Women a Huge Bust in the Neilsen Ratings
Mar 31, 2010, 08:08
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DAYTON, Ohio - The University of Connecticut's women's basketball team might be the best women's team ever assembled, but their Neilsen ratings suck. According to the Nielsen overnights for the UConn-Florida State game last night—which the Lady Huskies won 90-50—more people watched the on-screen news crawl than the actual game.

"The game had a 1.2 rating and a 2 share, while the news crawl had a 1.9 rating and a 3 share," said a Nielsen official. "That's never happened in sports before."

Television analysts blame UConn's poor ratings performance on their recording-setting, seventy-six-game winning streak.

"Who wants to watch a team win by an average of forty points night after night?" asked TV Guide's sports editor, Bill Federle. "Most UConn games are decided before the first half is half over. At that point the eye, not to mention the mind, begins to wander."

Mr. Federle dismissed the notion that UConn was victimized by an especially vibrant news night.

"You had a couple of retread coaches with skeletons in their closets—namely, Steve Lavin and Tim Floyd—finding somebody stupid enough to hire them, but that wasn't especially big news. Crooks get recycled in the coaching ranks all the time. Other than that the 'big' story was the Philadelphia Eagles trying to trade Donovan McNabb to the Oakland Raiders for a case of Miller Lite and a bag of Doritos."

UConn coach Geno Auriemma promised that his team would do better against the crawl when the Lady Huskies face Baylor's Lady Bears in a final-four matchup Sunday night.

"I challenged them to be all they can be, and I think they'll respond," said Coach Auriemma. "Bret Favre could announce that he's gay Sunday afternoon, but we're still going to clean that crawl's clock come game time."

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.