Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Pretty Woman, Julia Roberts, Hooker-Kid Mom Is Ass Hat of the Week
Sep 9, 2011, 12:52
The Bride of Chucky?
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. - What sort of dipshit thinks it's "hysterically funny" to dress her three-year-old daughter as a hooker and shove her onstage before a nationwide television audience on something called Toddlers & Tiaras? How fucked in the head, how worthless in your own mind do you have to be to get off on using a little kid like that? You're almost giving pedophilia a good name. We bet there was nary a dry keyboard among the watch-and-wank set that night.
The sort of dipshit of whom we speak is Wendy Dickey, whose daughter, Paisley, turned a lot of heads and stomachs when she appeared on Toddlers & Tiaras dressed as a pocket-size Vivian Ward, the down-on-her-luck Hollywood prostitute played by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. For this bit of nonsense Ms. Dickey wins the Ass Hat of the Week award hands down and head up her ass.
Matter of fact, we may have to ban Ms. Dickey from future competitions because she's likely to win in a perp walk. After all, she's dragged Paisley around to "sixty-something" pageants since the child was six months old, bribing her with Skittles on pageant days, and referring to her affectionately as "a little turd." These aren't simply the actions of a stage mother; this is a pimp in Martha Stewart Collection clothes.
When the rational world got wind of Little Turd Dickey's appearance on Toddlers & Tiaras, the fit hit the shans.
"We have a serious problem when a network formerly known as The Learning Channel features a toddler, who probably hasn't even learned to read, dressed as a prostitute showing off her sexy strut," said the Parents Television Council (PTC).
"For years we've seen adult sexuality being inappropriately and aggressively foisted on innocent young children, but children today are being sexualized at younger and younger ages," PTC added. "All available data suggests they will suffer for it later in life."
Ms. Dickey begged to get defensive, claiming that her daughter's outfit was "no more revealing than a gymnastics suit." True dat, but gymnastic suits don't connote anything more unsavory than anorexic girls whipping around on the parallel bars.
Apparently impressed with her keen rhetorical skills, Ms. Dickey then declared: "I'm raising my child just as well as any mother does. I take my kid to church every week. At least I'm not forcing them into sports and getting my child injured like some parents."
Setting aside her problems with noun-pronoun agreement—them should have been her—we are struck by Boffomom's use of forced. Is she telling us that she forced her daughter into that gobsmacking suit?
Then Ms. Dickey rolled out the big argument—the deus ex machinations—she plans to auction off Paisley's hooker suit and give the money to Georgia Right to Life, an anti-abortion group that Ms. Dickey refers to as "Paisley's charity."
Aha! Georgia, where even the houses that don't have sofas on the front porches secretly harbor a double wide that's trying to get out. It's almost enough to give rednecks and road kill suppers a bad name.
In related news, the runner up Ass Hat of the Week award goes to the judges of Toddlers & Tiaras, who gave Paisley the blue ribbon.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
