Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Moby, Ludacris, Dylan Klebold Have Birthdays Cock Blocked by 9/11 Shit
Sep 11, 2011, 13:59
NEW YORK - Entertainers Moby and Ludacris and mass murderer Dylan Klebold are among countless Americans whose birthdays have been cock blocked by all the remembrances, memorials, and bake sales held each year on September 11. Their stories are but three more examples of how our lives have been changed irreparably by the events of that tragic and fateful day.
"Yo," said Ludacris. "I'm down wif the idea of representin' all those homies that got killed on 9/11, ya feel me? But what about representin' the living, yo?
"Back in the day I'd get cases of Crystal, a pound of kush, and some pole dancers every year; but then people were like, 'Yo, my nigga, there's a 9/11 memorial down at the church with free barbecue afterward. Why don't you throw your gig next week, bro?' It's gotten so bad that I'm thinkin' about having my birthday legally changed."
Moby, who spoke to this reporter while he was making vegan faux sausage for his dogs, said he doesn't even bother to book DJ appearances on 9/11.
"It's impossible to keep a flow going," said Moby. "Some asshole always wants to hear Lee Greenwood's 'Proud to Be an American' or Springsteen's 'Born in the USA.' If I say I don't have those tunes, people can get hostile. One year I tried playing the two over top of one another, and I thought people were going to beat the shit out of me."
Such is the attraction of 9/11 tributes that even people who died two years before the event are sucked into its vortex. Friends of Dylan Klebold, for example, have been forced to move their annual celebration of his life to the eve of the charismatic mass murderer's birthday.
"We get static enough for trying to show another side of Dylan," said fan club president, Jared Hopkins, "and ever since 9/11, people think he not only went off at Columbine but also was one of the 9/11 hijackers. You wouldn't believe how much anti-Muslim hate mail we get."
In related news, the Delaware chapter of the Man Boy Love Association has postponed its open house for new members from September 11 to September 18 this year. As usual, children under the age of twelve must be accompanied by an adult.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
