Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
The Official Mira Sorvino, Not Mena Suvari Horoscope Quiz
Sep 28, 2011, 16:18
Mira Servino, left, and her homophone, Mena Suvari.
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Mira Sorvino, who won an Academy Award for her 1995 performance in Woody Allen's Mighty Aphrodite, is forty-one today. Four years after winning that Oscar—for best supporting actress—Ms.Sorvino saw her career take a turn for the crappy when Mena Suvari threw down a breakout performance in American Beauty. After that nobody could tell the two actresses apart without a DNA sample because of the similarities in their names.
The situation became such a knickers twister that in 2005 Ms. Suvari petitioned Judge Judy to instruct Ms. Sorvino to change her first name to anything with an odd number of syllables that does not begin with the letter M. Ms. Suvari also requested that the change be grandmothered to the start of Ms. Sorvino's acting career.
Judge Judy threw the suit out, calling it "a frivolous crock of shit." Obviously she has never had to contend with the kind of blowback that has kicked horse turds into Ms. Sorvino's face for the last twelve years. The judge might have been whistling a different aria if she had had competition from a Judge Junie or a Judge Julie.
As Judge Judy failed to rise to this judicial challenge, we have constructed a quiz that will enable you once and for all to tell these two actresses apart.
1. Mira Sorvino is fluent in . . . and . . .
a) English . . . Pig Latin, b) Italian . . . Smack Talking, c) French . . . Mandarin Chinese, d) Urdu . . . Gaelic
2. Mira Sorvino graduated from . . . while Mena Suvari graduated from . . .
a) Harvard . . . Providence High School, b) the Actors' Guild . . . The Chateau Marmont, c) finishing school . . . cooking school, d) The College of New Jersey . . . Ridgemont High
Mira Sorvino starred in . . . and . . .'s High School Reunion.
a) Thelma . . . Louise's, b) Harold . . . Kumar's, c) Lightfoot . . . Cash's, d) Romy . . . Michele's
Mira Sorvino has . . . children; Mena Suvari has . . .
a) two . . . herpes, b) four . . . shingles, c) three . . . zero, d) zero . . . two
Mira Sorvino is . . .; Mena Suvari is . . .
a) Italian . . . Greek and Estonian, b) 5'10" . . . a dwarf, c) bipolar . . . a Capricorn, d) an innie . . . anorexic
The answers are: 1-C, 2-A, 3-D, 4-C, 5-A
What your score means: a score of five means you could tell these ladies apart even if you turned them upsidedown. A score of four means you may be Jeopardy ready. If you got a three, you still did better than nine out of ten people. A score of two means you ought to watch Mighty Aphrodite again. One correct answer does not a movie critic make. If you got them all wrong, you're probably a healthy, normally functioning adult. Or not.
In related news, actor Timothy Bottoms, who was following the Judge Judy decision carefully, said he may file a similar petition, asking the court to require Tim Robbins to change his last name.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
