Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
The Grammar Prick Rides Hobson's Choice to Victory
Oct 4, 2011, 12:01
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - While simultaneously watching The Hour on BBC America last night and reading Nina Burleigh's The Fatal Gift of Beauty: The Trials of Amanda Knox, I heard one of the characters on The Hour refer to a choice between two unpleasant alternatives as a "Hobson's choice."
"Bloody hell," I muttered. "That's not a Hobson's choice. It's a Morton's fork. You'd expect the fucking Brits to get it right. They invented the Hobson's choice."
If you are guilty of misusing "Hobson's choice" or if you think Morton's fork is something used to tune a lute, you've stumbled into the right tutorial, so listen up.
Thomas Hobson (1544-1631) was a livery stable owner in Cambridge, England. Anyone who visited his stable looking to rent a horse was given two choices: the horse nearest the stable door or no horse at all. (Keen students of language will recognize the expression "Take it or leave it, asshole" as the American equivalent of Hobson's choice.)
To sum up, then: a Hobson's choice is not a choice but an ultimatum.
I don't pretend to know how the meaning of Hobson's choice was bastardized. Perhaps it was ridden hard and put away wet. Unfortunately shit happens, and it frequently happens where language is concerned.
Now about Morton's fork: John Morton, Archbishop of Canterbury in the late fifteenth century, believed that anyone living modestly had to be saving money and thus could afford to pay more taxes, whereas people living high off the hogwash were obviously rich and could also afford to pay more taxes. The principle of Morton's fork is often misapplied today by conservative politicians in this country who cite its first provision while ignoring its second.
Got that? Good, but we're not finished here. We also have to grapple with the meanings of dilemma, false dilemma, Catch-22, Sophie's choice, and buckdancer's choice. The following quiz will help to keep you from tripping over your tongue when using these terms.
1. A dilemma is . . . a) discernible by its vestigial horns, b) a choice between two or more options, all of which are about as attractive as pink eye, c) what you're in when you come home smelling like cheap wine and pussy, d) in the eye of the beholder.
2. A false dilemma is . . . a) one in which all the choices have herpes, b) the root of all evil, c) a situation in which only two choices are considered or presented when there are other choices available, d) believing you have only one slot left on speed dial when actually you have two.
3. Catch-22 is . . . a) a logical paradox arising from a situation in which an individual needs something that can only be acquired by not being in that very situation, b) Joseph Heller's only good novel, c) best remembered for the full frontal nudity of the movie version, d) military slang for hashish.
4. Sophie's choice is . . . a) cyanide or strychnine, b) not really a choice but a death wish, c) yet another movie for which Meryl Streep did not win an Oscar, d) a choice between two persons or things that will result in the death or destruction of the person or thing not chosen
5. Buckdancer's choice is . . . a) played in the key of C, b) a singer's decision to ignore requests and to play what he wants to play, c) the name of Rick Perry's hunting camp, d) the fallacy of making the same choice repeatedly and expecting a different result each time.
The correct answers are: 1-B, 2-C, 3-C, 4-D, 5-A.
Well, that's all the time The Grammar Prick has today, boys and girls. He needs to go out to see if there are any rabbits in the leghold traps he put in his garden last night, but he'll be back soon with another opportunity for you to find out how wretched your "command" of English really is.
Ciao for now.
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Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
