Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
Representative Lamar Smith Is the Ass Hat of the Week
Oct 8, 2011, 11:16
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Lamar Smith, chairman of the House of Representatives Judiciary Committee, is the latest winner of the Postcards from the Pug Bug Ass Hat of the Week Award. Mr. Smith (R-Texas) earned this highly influential prize by sponsoring a bill that encapsulates all that is cynical, imperialistic, and reprehensible about the attitudes of too many residents of these self-important United States.
Mr. Smith's bill, which was approved by a sufficient number of other jackals in the House, would make federal criminals out of American citizens who discuss or plan activities intended to be carried out legally on foreign soil if those activities would violate the Controlled Substances Act (CSA) were they carried out in the United States.
Yup. You read that right. Mr. Smith's folly would allow prosecutors to bring conspiracy charges against anyone who discusses, plans, or advises another person to engage in any activity that violates the CSA, no matter where the fuck in the world that activity is committed or how fucking legal it is to commit that act there or how little impact that act would have on the United States.
So if two Americans, we'll call them Jared and Melissa, are getting married in Amsterdam and they discuss their idea of laying a few joints on members of the wedding party, they would be subject to prosecution according to Mr. Smith's new bill—even though pot smoking is legal in Amsterdam and even though a few members of a wedding party getting high thousands of miles away doesn't mean shit to a toad in Muleshoe, Texas.
The wedding plans of a couple stoners aren't the only targets in Mr. Smith's sights. His ass-hat-worthy legislation could potentially affect academics and medical professionals.
A doctor practicing in Des Moines, for example, who works with overseas doctors or government officials on needle exchange programs could be subject to criminal prosecution. A U.S. resident who shares pot-growing tips with someone in another country—or who advises a person about running a medical marijuana dispensary—would also be in violation of the Mr. Smith's law, even if medical marijuana is legal in the country where the recipient of this compassionate advice resides.
If applied stupidly enough, Mr. Smith's brain fart would allow prosecutors to fuck with doctors, academics, and policymakers who contribute their expertise to experiments such as the drug decriminalization project in Portugal, which has successfully reduced drug crime, addiction, and overdose deaths.
The arrogant thinking of ass hats like Mr. Smith is founded on the misguided and altogether unproven assumption that America knows best, that we are the world or at least the world's policeman, nanny, judge, jury, and four-hundred-pound schoolyard bully.
No wonder so many people in so many other nations hate us. We invade their countries, rain down drones on innocent people, prop up thugs who will do our bidding, and rub out the ones who don't. Hell, we'll even execute our own citizens without a trial on a slow day. We need fewer ass-hat politicians and more philosophers and pot smokers in this country.
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Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
3. Seat Belts
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
10. Going to Bed Early.