Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
Paul McCartney Marries Another Plain-Looking Vegetarian
Oct 10, 2011, 08:03
"La, la, la, la, la, la, the lovely Nancy."
LONDON - Paul McCartney wed American heiress Nancy Shevell in a brief civil ceremony in London yesterday. Ms. Shevell, 51, is the third in a series of remarkably plain, vegetarian women whom Mr. McCartney, 69, has married.
The one-time Beatle revealed his fondness for ordinary-looking women who eschew meat when he married his first wife, Linda Eastman, in 1969 at the beginning of what would later come to be called his "mullet years."
A clean-looking woman as bland as tofu, Linda McCartney was known for her wretched singing voice and her tiresome promotion of vegetarian eating. She wrote a cookbook and marketed her own line of vegetarian meals from which the meat and the flavor had been removed.
"La, la, la, la, la, la, the lovely Linda."
After Linda had died of breast cancer, Mr. McCartney was convinced he would never meet another woman who combined her unremarkable looks and cooking skills. Before long, however, he was head over non-leather heels in love with former model and full-time animal rights activist Heather Mills, whose plainness can scarcely be overstated. That she has a prosthetic left leg that was not tested on animals only deepened her allure for Mr. McCartney.
Unfortunately Ms. Mills has the carnivorous personality of a snake, and before long the wheels and her leg had begun to come off the young marriage.
"She was always hopping mad about something," said Ringo Starr, who drummed for Mr. McCartney in The Beatles.
The Mills-McCartney marriage ended in divorce in 2008, and once again Mr. McCartney was alone. After dating a few women he had met on veggieconnection.com, Mr. McCartney began seeing Ms. Shevell, who vacations in the Hamptons as he does. Ms. Shevell is so plain that members of her own family often have trouble placing her at large family gatherings.
"La, la, la, la, la, la, the lovely Heather."
"She's a real non-looker all right," said Mr. McCartney's daughter Stella, a top fashion designer who designed Ms. Shevell's dairy-free wedding dress. "I haven't seen Dad this happy in years. He was so thrilled when Nancy agreed to convert to vegetarianism. He can't stand the scent of a woman who eats meat."
Although friends of Mr. McCartney wish him and his new bride all the best, at least one friend thought that Mr. McCartney's search for the perfectly unremarkable woman will lead to disappointment.
"Sometimes I think Paul would be better off getting a night light," said David Gilmour, guitarist and singer for Pink Floyd.
In unrelated news: the career of actor Jeff Conoway has been ruled accidental.
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Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
3. Seat Belts
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
10. Going to Bed Early.