Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
Mothers Against Drunk Driving Challenges Red Solo Cup Manufacturer over Breast Augmentation Photos Cups
Oct 13, 2011, 12:44
Nikki Catsouras loses face off with toll booth.
IRVING, Texas - Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) has issued a challenge to The Paper Container Manufacturing Company, makers of the ubiquitous red Solo cups that have ridden shotgun on millions of student binge-drinking escapades: "Start putting warning labels on your little red cups or we'll make you do it."
The MADD campaign, whose centerpiece is the recently introduced McCain-Frank In Your Cups bill, is the latest in a never ending series of attempts to reduce the number of alcohol-related "incidents" associated with over-enthusiastic student drinking each year.
"The maker of Solo cups is just as guilty of student death and disfigurement as the breweries and distilleries who make their poisons and the door persons who look the other way at obviously fake IDs," said Jan Withers, national president of MADD. "They've all got alcohol on their hands."
According to the McCain-Frank In Your Cups bill, all red Solo cups manufactured more than ninety days after the signing of this bill into law must carry an image "clearly warning against the perils of drunk driving." An additional textual warning is permissible but not mandatory.
Breast awareness pink Solo cup.
Smiling grimly at a press conference yesterday at MADD headquarters in Irving, Texas, Ms. Withers showed reporters a prototype of the "socially responsible" red Solo cup. The cup featured an image of the mangled and nearly severed head of Nikki Catsouras, who was killed almost four years ago in a horrific accident at a California highway toll booth, which Ms. Catsouras struck while traveling 120 miles per hour.
"I defy even the most hardened drinker not to blow lunch while looking at this and other images that we plan to put on Solo cups. One idea discussed for a future cup design was placing breast augmentation photos on pink cups to promote breast cancer awareness."
The McCain-Frank In Your Cups bill is not a sure shot to become law. Republicans have attempted to water down the bill's impact by attaching frivolous amendments to it, amendments such as a rider against drunk texting and another rider exempting attendees at fundraising events that charge more that $1,000 per plate.
Outside the predictable confines of Congress, however, the McCain-Frank bill is going down as smoothly as a single malt Scotch. LGBTADD (Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, and Transgenders Against Drunk Driving) and MBLAADD (Man Boy Love Association Against Drunk Driving) have pledged their support, as have NASCARADD (National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing Against Drunk Driving) and AAADD (Alcoholics Anonymous Against Drunk Driving).
Looking to score? Here's how much booze you'll need.
Even some college fraternities are on board with the idea. The president of Ω Ω Ω fraternity at West Chester University in Pennsylvania said that his group "plans to give our unquantified support" to the new initiative.
"We will offer free refills to any [female student] who attends one of our toga nights with an official red Solo cup," said the president, who asked not to be identified because he "could be on academic probation soon."
In related news, Mothers Against Drunk Driving denounced Toby Keith, whose ode to red Solo cups can be viewed below.
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Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
3. Seat Belts
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
10. Going to Bed Early.