Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
Apple Introduces Fecal Finder App
Oct 18, 2011, 10:35
CUPERTINO, Calif. - Apple interrupted it's forty-days-and-forty-nights celebration of the genius that was Steve Jobs to announce its latest rollout: the Fecal Finder app. The new app—which will be available for iPads, iPods,and iPhones—is expected to be ready for downloading by the end of this month.
Priced at a hefty $9.99—with $3 going toward the construction of a series of statues of Mr. Jobs on the Apple campus in Cupertino—the Fecal Finder can detect fecal material as small as one part per one hundred millionth on any iPad, iPod, or iPhone.
"That's like being able to detect fly shit in a hay stack," said Apple's new CEO, Tim Cook.
Apple was eager to develop a Fecal Finder app after the release of a British study reporting that one out of every six cell phones in the U.K. is contaminated with the E. Coli bacteria. That's the good news. The bad news is that the source of E. Coli is usually shit.
Does this finding imply that one out of six people wipes his or her ass with an iPhone? Probably not, said Dr. Don Reynolds of Beach Urgent Care; but some people do take their cell phones into the loo, where they check their email and maybe phone in an order for a take-away curry; and if your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, your cell phone is going to one day start smelling like your ass.
The first time the Fecal Finder detects the presence of merde on a cell phone, the app places a robo call to that phone's number, asking the phone's owner to clean up his or her act. If the phone is still contaminated the following day, the Fecal Finder places a robo call reminder. Upon a third consecutive fecal detection, the Fecal Finder app locks down the offending phone, which is good only for placing emergency calls until it has been cleaned.
"Of course," said Mr. Cook, "this problem could be avoided if people washed their hands thoroughly after using the bathroom. Steve was obsessed with personal hygiene. He used to wash his hands fifteen times a day. Hell, I've seen him wash his hands when someone else used the bathroom, so I know that somewhere he's looking down on the Fecal Finder with that goofy smile of his."
In related news: Apple reported that it is close to releasing a beta version of Fecal Finder, called Fecal Finder #2, which can identify the source of the fecal material on your Apple product.
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Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
3. Seat Belts
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
10. Going to Bed Early.