Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
NBA Stars Looking into World Bidet Association
Oct 28, 2011, 11:09
Michael Beasley fears becoming the butt of some nasty jokes.
ST. PAUL, Minn. - Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley isn't the only National Basketball Association (NBA) player who turned the wrong cheek when he said he'd considering signing with the World Bidet Association (WBA) recently.
Like many of his fellow ballers, Mr. Beasley thought he was signing with the World Basketball Association instead.
"Michael liked to shit when he discovered his mistake," said Mr. Beasley's agent, Ron Ferrule. "The idea didn't sit too well with him.
"This all started when Michael got a text message asking if he was interested in being part of the WBA's Flushed with Success program. He texted back that they ought to send me a contract for review."
Mr. Beasley apparently thought he would sign on for one of the mini-tours being arranged for NBA players during the current lockout. He probably viewed the WBA as a chance to see a bit of the world while picking up some pocket money and a few sexually adventurous foreign women. Imagine his surprise when Mr. Ferrule called to ask if Mr. Beasley had been troubled by hemorrhoids of late.
"The fuck you talkin' about, faggot?" demanded Mr. Beasley. "Your mama's got hemorrhoids."
After Mr. Ferrule had explained that the B in WBA doesn't always stand for Basketball, Mr. Beasley shouted, "The fuck I need something that squirts water up my ass for? You always blowin' smoke up my ass is bad enough."
According to Mr. Ferrule, whose clients Delonte West and Shawn Marion were also keen to sign with the WBA, the group wanted Mr. Beasley and others to endorse its products—including the patented Cloud 9 and Sitting Pretty portable bidets "for the active lifestyle."
"Not everyone got as angry as Michael did," said Mr. Ferrule. "Delonte actually thought it was funny. He wanted to send a Sitting Pretty bidet to Lebron's mother as a gag gift."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
