Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Herman Cain Sex Video Less Thrilling than Cold Pizza
Nov 4, 2011, 09:00
ATLANTA, Geo. - The third shoe and a ten-foot stack of pizza boxes have fallen on presidential candidate Herman Cain. For the last three days Mr. Cain, 65, has been tap dancing like a fool trying to stamp out the rekindled embers of sexual harassment charges brought against him by two women during his term as president of the National Restaurant Association (1996-1999).
After first denying that he knew anything about the charges, Mr. Cain allowed that he might have heard something about them—about one of them at least—but the charges were essentially no biggie. What's more, the settlements the women received prohibit them from discussing their complaints, so it's essentially Mr. Cain's word against no one's these days.
Now, however, a third woman has emerged who alleges that Mr. Cain harassed her also, and she's waving a thirteen-minute, homemade sex video entitled The Godfather Super Sized Me that allegedly stars her and an oiled-up Herman Cain, looking about a dozen years younger and thinner than he currently does. If his most recent accuser is telling the truth, Mr. Cain will need the skills if not the vision of Sammy Davis Jr. to tap dance his way out of this cheesy mess.
According to someone in the Rick Perry camp who has seen The Godfather Super Sized Me, "It's your basic amateur suck-and-fuck production."
The video opens with a shot of a woman who's got a serious case of camel toe lounging by the pool in a bikini on a warm day. Apparently too hot to cook, the woman reaches for her cell phone and orders a personal-size meat-lover's special from Godfather's Pizza.
Quicker than you can say, "I wonder if she'll do the delivery guy?" there stands Herman Cain at her gate. He's wearing a Godfather's Pizza shirt and matching shorts so short that half his left nut is hanging out.
"Anybody order a meat lover's special?" he asks in his best Mandingo voice.
"I am a meat lover's special," replies the woman with exaggerated coyness while eyeing Mr. Cain's package oozing out of his shorts.
From this pant-by-numbers setup The Godfather Super Sized Me goes downhill faster than an eighteen-wheeler with no brakes. Mr. Cain and the woman progress in a cliched arc from swapping lame one liners—"This is the second-best thing I've ever put in my mouth"—to swapping spit and other body fluids.
Ironically, Mr. Cain's performance lacks the bravado and the impish wit that have marked his current bid for the Republican presidential nomination. He pulls the most obvious faces in the throes of "the moment," and as the woman responds in kind, he shouts, "Who's your CEO now, baby?" as though he's reading the line off a teleprompter.
Although Mr. Cain's turn in The Godfather Super Sized Me is rote, wooden, and pathetic, he is nevertheless a commanding screen presence thanks to his enormous kickstand. Not to put too blunt a point on things, but Mr. Cain is something of a one-man three-legged race. When the woman first sees him naked, her eyes grow wide, her jaw drops, and she screams. Mr. Cain stands there smirking while his dinosaur-neck of a cock grows to frightening dimensions, contrary to what we sometimes read about the growth potential of dicks the width of a fire hose.
Spoiler alert: In addition to run-of-the-mill sex in various positions, The Godfather Super Sized Me contains one amusing scene in which Mr. Cain replies "9-9-9" when the woman asks how much the pizza costs.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
