You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Facebook Considering Fuckbook Spinoff
Nov 16, 2011, 20:42
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Surprised by some users' reactions to the pornographic and violent images that appeared on Facebook recently, officials at the site are considering an adults-only version of Facebook, tentatively called Fuckbook.
"To be honest," said one Facebook official who asked to remain anonymous, "our site is the depository of dull. We're nothing but page after page of photos of Daddy and Sis at Red Lobster, baby pictures out the wazoo, and people breathlessly reporting what they're making for dinner. It's like being stuck on public transportation with people of little intelligence and less taste."
All that changed for the better when hackers let loose the dogs of pornography and violence on Facebook recently. That's when the fun began.
Imagine MomMom's surprise when she logged on to her Facebook account to swoon over the latest photos of her three-month-old grandson, complete with thought bubbles containing "clever" quips, only to see a video of Justin Bieber launching a money shot onto Selena Gomez' face.
Predictably a lot of Facebook types were aghast.
"OMG. I saw a dead dog; J-Lo making out with a cucumber; and a naked grandma," said Melissa. "Time to delete Facebook."
In addition to the predictable think-about-the-children reactions, other reactions of a more interesting nature were noted. Indeed, whether from a robotic devotion to the Facebook experience or from an edgy streak we didn't think Facebookers possessed, many people commented on the images rather than reporting them and rushing to take a shower.
"Looks like Justin's Bieber's not the only one who never says never," one Facebooker wrote.
A photo of three black dudes playing orifice hockey with a blond cum dumpster got the following response: "What's long and hard on a black man? First grade, second grade, third grade. LOL."
Forty-eight hours after the photos had appeared on Facebook, company spokesman Frederick Willing said Facebook's security team "had eliminated most of the offensive images from the site."
He also reported there could be a legitimate place on Facebook for images with adult themes.
"Our retention rate isn't what it could be," he said. "People who don't have a vested interest in children or in where some forgotten acquaintance went on vacation often drift off after a few months, but give them something interesting to come back for, something like Fuckbook, or perhaps Fistbook, and you've got satisfied return customers."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
