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Tim Tebow Denounced by Opponents of Interracial Marriage
Jan 2, 2012, 12:24
LOUISVILLE, Ky. - A firestorm erupted when the Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church in rural Kentucky voted to ban mixed-race couples from joining its congregation. Following this vote, numerous members of the National Association of Freewill Baptist Churches (NAFBC) threw feul on the flames by publishing racially incriminating photographs of the notorious Christian quarterback Tim Tebow.
Those photos, which the group is using to spearhead a national campaign against interracial marriage, show Tebow passionately kissing and embracing African American athletes exclusively.
Although interracial marriages have soared in the four decades since the U.S. Supreme Court obstructed a Virginia statute barring whites from marrying nonwhites, overturning similar bans in fifteen other states in the process. Nevertheless many churches in the South remain largely segregated.
"Frankly, I have no problem with mixed marriages, and we welcome them in our congregation," reported NAFBC Executive Secretary, Ryan Burden. "But when a strapping Christian quarterback like Tim Tebow, who is such a fine spokesman for Christian purity, is seen time and time again kissing only blacks, well, that gives a confusing message to our young people."
Burden paused to collect his thoughts.
"I mean, what are our Christian athletes supposed to think when Tebow kisses Demaryius Thomas so hard and with such passion? It's only going to lead to more mixing of the races."
The notoriously Christian quarterback, who proclaims he will remain a virgin until marriage, is often photographed in his infamous sideline-prayer pose on one knee, but he has yet to be snapped in a romantic embrace of any same-race companions of either sex.
"I practically, like, threw myself at him every chance I got," said Heather Kelly, head cheerleader for the University of Florida Gators, who had met Tebow on numerous occasions during his tenure with the Gators championship teams.
"He was, like, never interested, so I, like, kept asking myself, 'Why was he, like, not attracted to me?' After I saw him, like, only kissing African Americans, I, like, knew."
Veteran NFL coach Les Steckel, a member of Fellowship of Christian Athletes, was equally perplexed with Tebow's choice of partners.
"Tim Tebow has been a fine, upstanding symbol of Christian conservatism to which our young athletes aspire," said Steckel, reading from a printed statement.
"While we have no problem with racial equality, his obvious proclivity toward partners of the opposite race presents a sudden level of multiculturalism that we, the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, have yet had the opportunity to embrace."
Across the South, anti-miscegenation demonstrations continue to spread. Although such movements have been sporadic and miniscule since the 1960s, fundamentalist Christian organizations such as the Freewill Baptists have re-ignited the cause largely due to Tebow's choice of African American partners for public embraces. The movement, along with Tebow's romantic interests, shows no signs of abating.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
