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Romney Refutes Santorum's Stool Sample Claim
Jan 9, 2012, 11:37
CONCORD, N.H. - The shit hit the fan yesterday morning when Republican presidential hopefuls met for a debate on Meet the Press. Toward the end of the debate Rick Santorum dropped a bombshell when he announced that he was planning to bring the Marian Stool on tour as a means of energizing his base and demonstrating God's preference for his candidacy.
The legend of the Marian Stool began in 2006 when Mr. Santorum, who was then in the middle of an unsuccessful campaign for a third term in the U.S. Senate, left a stool sample at a Catholic hospital in Philadelphia before attending a fundraising event in the city.
The lab technician assigned to spin the sample screamed and fainted when she retrieved it from its vial. She was struck by the sample's uncanny resemblance to the Blessed Virgin Mary. The technician also noticed that the senator's stool, literally, did not stink.
"I knew I was in the presence of something holy the minute I saw it," said Valencia Garcia, the lab technician. "It looked just like the Virgin Mary on the prayer card I always carry in my lab coat pocket. I picked the sample up, and I felt emotion come over me. It was like a sign."
Garcia, who had just learned that she was pregnant, said there was no way she could have supported a child on her salary, especially since the state legislature had cut the hospital's funding.
"I prayed to the stool sample to help me," she said. "Soon afterward I began spotting. I took another pregnancy test when I got home from work that day, and it was negative. It's a miracle I was on duty to test Mr. Santorum's sample!"
The "Marian Stool," as it came to be known, was secured in cold storage, but news of Garcia's miracle quickly found its way into the media. Hordes of devout Catholics, many of them with unplanned pregnancies, began pilgrimages to Philadelphia in hope of receiving a miracle from the senator's feces, and when Santorum's stool began weeping tears of blood, even the Vatican took notice. Pope Benedict XVI appointed a council to authenticate the miraculous event scientifically.
"As with all purported manifestations of the Blessed Virgin, rigorous testing must be completed in order for the Vatican to proclaim them authentic," said Vatican spokesman Antonio Renaldi, S.J.
Because the Vatican's tests were inconclusive, the Marian Stool was transferred from the hospital to a cryogenic vault in the basement of the senator's estate in Virginia, the same vault where he keeps the body of his dead baby, Gabriel, and there the matter remained—until yesterday morning's announcement.
When Santorum made that announcement, Rick Perry was heard to mutter, "He really pulled that one out of his ass."
Front runner Mitt Romney, however, was prepared with a response.
"That story just won't float," said Romney. "My sources have obtained a copy of the hospital's in-house investigation of the so-called Marian Stool. The DNA from the blood did match that of the senator, but the unusual shape of the stool, including the flared 'base' that allows it to stand up, was evidently the result of extreme fecal impaction. There was no evidence of a supernatural cause."
Before he could continue, Rick Perry said, "Next thing we know he'll be claiming he can shit diamonds."
Glaring at the Texas governor, Romney continued, "Further testing revealed the presence of semen from an unknown source in the Marian Stool, as well as a recreational substance identified as 'Elbow Grease Quickie-Lube' and 'Boy butter.' You can draw your own conclusions about origin of that, but I don't think it was divine."
Moderator David Gregory, who appeared to be halfway between a shit and a sweat at that point, quickly asked Newt Gingrich a question about "the separation of church and stool, I mean state."
Following the debate, Senator Santorum's public relations office could not be reached for comment. The senator—notorious for his vehement opposition to gay rights, abortion, and the teaching of evolution in public schools—faces a difficult nomination fight as well as a continual, albeit futile, effort to re-position his surname on Google.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
