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AARP Head Announces Support for Legalized Pot
Feb 1, 2010, 16:20
WASHINGTON - The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) will sponsor a smoke-in to promote the group's campaign to legalize marijuana. The weekend event, called the Great American Pot Luck Festival, will be held at Daytona International Speedway in Florida, July 8-10. Sponsors include Grecian Formula, Cialis, Fixodent, Beano, Depends, and Correctol with Stool Softener.
AARP's chief executive officer, William Novelli, held a press conference in the group's Washington, D.C., office yesterday to publicize the event. Wearing a T-shirt that read "We Smoke and We Vote," Novelli told reporters, "People who think the AARP is a haven for old windbags that sit around comparing HMOs or discussing their bowel movements are in for a surprise.
"According to a recent survey, nearly three-quarters of our members use marijuana on a regular basis not only to alleviate pain from a variety of ailments but also to relax after the grandkids go home. We can no longer afford to sit around stoned while the government makes criminals out of our members."
Country music legend Willie Nelson will headline the festival, which will be hosted by Woody Harrelson. Among the other performers scheduled to appear are Bette Midler, Santana, Chicago, David Crosby and Graham Nash, Rod Stewart, The New Jefferson Starship, Tony Orlando, Ringo Starr, the Fire House Polka Brigade, and Close to You, a Carpenters tribute band.
In addition to the stellar entertainment lineup, the festival will feature arts-and-crafts workshops, bingo tents, lottery and term life insurance machines, and vendors offering the finest in gluten-free rolling papers, marijuana suppositories, pressure-free roach clips, and other paraphernalia.
AARP is also sponsoring a pot luck cooking contest open to anyone attending the festival. Entries will be judged on their creative use of marijuana in a casserole, stew, or dessert. A lifetime subscription to AARP Magazine, formerly known as Modern Maturity, will be awarded to the winner. The contest will be judged by Tommy Chong, Snoop Dogg, Ricky Williams, and Robert Downey Jr.
Novelli said he expects more than 50,000 people to attend the festival. The campground will open Monday July 11 at noon. Advanced life support and Medivac units will be available through the weekend, as will free blood-pressure monitoring and diabetes screening. Concerts will begin promptly at 4:20 each afternoon. All activities and rest rooms at the festival will be wheel chair accessible.
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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
