Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Maddox Jolie Talks about Falling for Brad Pitt
Dec 13, 2006, 12:38
Greater love than this no man hath than to cut his hair like his kid's.
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - For the first time Maddox Jolie-Pitt, nee Rath Vibol, has spoken publicly about falling in love with Brad Pitt on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith. In a candid interview that appears in the January Vogue, the scene-stealing Maddox, 5, insists he never intended to break up Mr. Pitt's marriage to Jennifer Aniston.
Maddox first met Mr. Pitt, whom he describes as his "daddy mommy," on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith three years ago.
"I didn't know where Daddy Mommy was at in his personal life, so I had my assistant Heather check him out," said Maddox.
"I was bummed when I learned he was married," Maddox continued, "but then I found out he didn't have any kids—and his wife didn't want any. I felt sorry for him because he was obviously batshit about children—everybody in your country is.
"Anyway I encouraged him to visit me in my customized double-wide on the set, and soon he was bringing me expensive presents—a totally rad mini-leather jacket with matching red helmet—but I never had any intention of breaking up his marriage. After all, I was only two, and even though I was already a heartbreaker in my spiky Mohawk and Gucci jumper, I was still a little wet behind my newly pierced ears."
After pausing to take a call from his personal masseuse, Maddox continued.
"Eventually Daddy Mommy and I found ourselves in this strange relationship that kind of just happened. Then one day I woke up in my awesome, miniature four-poster bed he bought me, and I realized, 'This guy would be perfect for my mother.' I mean, anybody would have been an improvement over Billy Bob Thornton. The memory of wearing his last name still makes me break out in hives.
"Besides Angie was starting to bring some strange women home "to clean the carpets," whatever that means. I figured I'd better strike while the iron was hot."
Maddox made his move in a luxury hotel suite: "I think it was in Kenya or Rangoon or one of those places. After a while they all become a blur."
He does recall that he and his mother and Mr. Pitt were playing with cars on the floor when he "accidentally" called Mr. Pitt daddy. The result was everything he had hoped.
"Daddy Mommy got all teary eyed. Then he took Angie's hand. I couldn't resist putting my hand over theirs. That was like totally cheesy, but that kind of thing works every time."
Tomorrow: There's trouble in paradise when Brangelina adopt another baby.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die 1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
Having trouble timing the waves these days? After you've leapt nimbly onto your board, does the big one slam you to the ocean floor every damn time? Chill out, surfer person. It isn't Alzheimer's. Or Lyme disease. Or AADD. You forgot to set your clock ahead in April. When the big hand's on the little hand, sing a Beach Boys song. Most of them couldn't surf either.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
