Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
JonBenet Ramsey Suspect Confesses to Natalee Holloway Murder
Aug 18, 2006, 07:59
BANGKOK - John Mark Karr, who rocketed from shadowy insignificance to worldwide infamy on Wednesday by confessing to the murder of JonBenet Ramsey, has now fingered himself in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway.
The forty-one-year-old school teacher made his second blockbuster confession in two days yesterday.
"I was in love with Natalee Holloway," said Mr. Karr at a hastily called press conference in Bangkok. "She was so young looking in a fresh Barely Legal sort of way that I couldn't stand to see her get a day older, so I got a job as a nanny in Aruba, drugged her in a bar, and accidentally killed her."
Ms. Holloway's mother, Beth Twitty, said Mr. Karr's confession would strengthen her pending lawsuits against various Aruban police officials and judges. She also said she was considering a wrongful death suit against Mr. Karr.
Asked if she had anything to say to Joran Van Der Sloot, the Dutch college student whom Mrs. Twitty recently tried to sue in a New York court for being responsible for her daughter's disappearance, Mrs. Twitty replied, "He got off lucky this time."
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John Mark Karr, well-groomed to the point of creepiness, has long been fond of young girls. He married a thirteen- year-old when he was twenty, and after that didn't work out, he married a fifteen-year-old when he was twenty-four. In neither case did authorities in the rural town of Hamilton, Alabama, where Mr. Karr grew up, choose to intervene.
"He said they wasn't closely related to him," said Hamilton's chief of police, Lester Scruggs, "so there wasn't nothing I could do."
When Mr. Karr's second wife turned twenty, he gave up a promising career as a pre-owned car salesman to work as a substitute elementary school teacher. He was dropped from the approved-substitutes list, which contained the names of several known felons and three persons for whom warrants were outstanding, after he had proposed to several nine-year-old girls in one Alabama consolidated district.
"We got strict laws down here about teachers fraternalizing with students younger than they are," said state chancellor of education, Harold "Rusty" Knail.
In related news, Colorado authorities, who will be hosting Mr. Karr upon his return to the United States next week, have asked that any law enforcement officers who wish to interview him about unsolved child murders in their jurisdictions should make their requests in writing to the Colorado attorney general.
Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
