You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
The Jessica Simpson Divorce Quiz
Feb 22, 2006, 11:34
Caught in a private moment.
LOS ANGELES - Although Jessica Simpson purchased a $3-million house in Beverly Hills following her split with Nick Lachey, the singer-actress-shoe designer seems to prefer the comfort of the storied Chateau Marmont when she has a date.
According to several tabloid publications' paid informants, however, some of the Chateau Marmont's other guests wish Ms. Simpson would get a room elsewhere.
"A friend of mine was staying at the Chateau during the weekend of February 3," a source told the Star. "One night she saw Jessica and Jude Law entering the room next door. My friend recognized them because she had seen them around the hotel."
At 2 a.m., the source continued, "my friend called hotel management to ask for a different room. The banging on the wall and the cries of 'Oh you wicked nanny' made it impossible for her to get any sleep."
Ms. Simpson isn't the only one who's been busy. Her estranged husband, Mr. Lachey, has been bedded down with his lawyers devising schemes to maximize his profit from the coming divorce; and we here at Postcards from the Pug Bus have been working on the following Jessica Simpson Divorce quiz. It's a take-home, open-book, grade-it-yourself test designed for entertainment purposes only.
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1. Before he married Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey was in . . .
a) an automobile accident
b) a boy band
c) jail
d) arrears
e) cognito
2. Nick and Jessica separated on . . .
a) Bastille Day
b) Sadie Hawkins Day
c) December 13, 2005
d) November 23, 2005
e) either "c" or "d" depending on whose lawyer you ask
3. In a recently filed statement, Nick said he wanted his __________ back.
a) Vermont Teddy Bears
b) Michael Bolton CDs
c) pornography collection
d) jewelry
e) Gucci pajamas
4. On December 5, 2005, Jessica Simpson made $850,000 in a private . . .
a) card game
b) concert
c) telephone conversation
d) airplane
e) restroom
5. Jessica and Nick do not have . . .
a) a joint retirement plan
b) a brain between them
c) any discernable talent
d) adopted Third-World children
e) a prenup
6. Nick went to court seeking temporary visitation rights to . . .
a) the couple's hamsters
b) their Lamborghini
c) Jessica's breasts
d) his old tree fort
e) Ashlee Simpson
We have your size in this lovely gold lame.
7. Pizza Hut is auctioning off a pair of Jessica's . . .
a) dress shields
b) boots
c) used boots
d) unused large-print recipe books
e) cutoffs
8. Jessica Simpson is rumored to have had guest-disturbing sex in a hotel with . . .
a) Adam Levine
b) Jude Law
c) "a" and "b"
d) her bodyguard
e) herself
9. Since separating from Nick, Jessica has been treated for . . .
a) diarrhea
b) gonorrhea
c) pizzeria
d) shingles
e) overexposure in the tabloids
10. On the Newlyweds Jessica Simpson thought Chicken of the Sea was . . .
a) really chicken
b) a cowardly tuna
c) the other white meat
d) cheaper at Trader Joe's
e) cruel to dolphins
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
